Rebalancing the voice (letter to a friend)

Please forgive the way in which I communicate what it is I am committed to. Fact is I remain committed to distinguishing and discovering and restoring equality. It is my drive as an international lawyer, it is my purpose in life. It is part of who I am as a woman. And it is not only about equality between women and men, it is about equality between all human beings. And equality of the resources we have to live with.

So when it comes from a breath fuelled with fire, I apologise if it leaves you feeling scorched, and if it leaves the echo of a racket rather than of speaking to a possibility. The world I speak about is not cold, it is quite the opposite. But the way I speak about it is still driven by the rage I have at injustice.

And it is driven by the fact that certain voices have been silenced over time, and when these voices get loud they are told to calm down, be nice, wait their turn. But it's only because these voices dare to get loud that social change is made possible.

What interests me is how the pendulum swings. How to access the unsaid. And how to find the middle point of rest, the point of balance and equality, between the swinging extremes. In that I acknowledge that my rage-fuelled voice is too loud, and is still informed by the past.

When I said I am searching out the rebalancing, what I mean is I am still learning and discovering how to communicate it without there being the accusations I used to speak with, and without it being about fixing a wrong, but rather about inspiring towards something where we are all fulfilled.

And when I said I am searching out the rebalancing, what I also mean is rebalancing gender, but it's also about consciousness and unconsciousness, about shadow and divinity, about the mascuilinity and femininity in all of us, the animus and the anima.

It's my "new model", I'm just still figuring out how it all fits together and, more importantly, how to bring the dialogue about it when there is indeed a lot of righteous rage caught up in it.

Please have patience with me as I figure this out. This is truly important to me and to the world I wish to live in.

Please read this blog - it's part of this process of learning to articulate what comes up for me in those moments.

Much love and respect

xx

The next wave?

I was in Montreal recently with my man, who is Quebecois. He had told me that in Quebec there is quite a militant feminism, and he often feels blamed by angry women when he enters any conversation about equality between women and men. He just ends up getting frustrated, there is no dialogue.

He said there also seems to be a double standard. On the one hand these women are angry at men for stamping them down and oppressing them, and they want to be leaders in their own right. They want men to be sensitive and caring. On the other hand these women don't respect a man who is weak, they complain that men in power are failing at being leaders, and they still want to be taken care of emotionally by the men around them.

This has left my man and his male friends perplexed and dismissing "feminism" as "man-hating". They feel utterly excluded from the entire discourse because the discourse is focused on blaming them, blaming men.

I found this all pretty fascinating. There are clearly cultural moves to feminism which show up differently at different times in different countries. What my man described to me as we drove towards his home town Montreal sounded to me like the echoes of second wave feminism. As I said to him, there was a time when this anger, this militance, was necessary. Maybe it always will have some kind of place, but second wave feminism, dubbed "women's liberation" in the 1970's and 80's, needed to be angry. It was the time of the sterotypical image of burning bra's, refusing to change one's last name if one was married, adopting "Ms" as a title, and being loud and proud about being lesbian, screaming out about oppression of women whether it be sexual, in the workplace, or at home.

Looking back at the "first wave" of feminism, known as womens' suffrage, in many developed western countries this movement in the early 20th century had given women the vote, property rights, and more access to the workplace. During the second world war, women in fact dominated the workplace and learned new skills in the labour market. Most of the men were off fighting in the war, women were needed in the workforce to keep the economy going. The quintessential image familiar to so many of us hailed from the U.S. War Production Co-Ordinating Committee, encouraging women to work to help the war effort.


And then, after the end of the second world war, what are the quintessential images of women in the western world? Happy homemaker, devoted housewife, desiring only to please her husband, raise good children, and over the moon when she is presented with modern whitegoods to make er job even more of a pleasure...this was a polemic shift to undo what the second world war had done to women's participation in the economy. Put women back in the home to ensure that men can return to work. Womens' economic participation became hidden and undervalued.

Of course women were angry. Having made so much headway, women were being told they should not proceed in careers, they should not work in skilled or unskilled labour, they would be paid less than their male counterparts for the same work, they should stop working when they got married (up until the 1960's in many western countries women lost their property rights and economic autonomy once they got married and became legal children, dependent on their husbands to sign all contracts and make all purchases) and at the same time sexual images of women were increasing in advertising, film and tv, decreasing women's value as anything other than a sexual object.

Of course women were pissed off! They needed to make noise to make the next wave, the next shift. And thus began the "second wave" of feminism.

And of course men were affected by this. And of course many women felt threatened by it too. (Women have often been the harshest of critics against their sisters who make noise abut women's rights) So in the 1980's we got the whole phenomenon of the backlash, depicting feminism as man-hating, and all feminists as butch dykes with no sense of femininity. "Power dressing" women were reaching higher positions professionally but were being ostracised by both their male and their female counterparts.

This backlash is what I heard in the background of my man's frustration towards the militant feminism he described in his home town. It is also something I recognise in the reaction many people have to the word "feminism" in the Netherlands, where I have lived for 12 years. There, people look with suprise and say "but women's emancipation is a fact, we're finished, it's done! What are you complaining about?" Feminism is a dirty word because it is associated with the push of the second wave, and since we are done addressing those concerns, it should be put to bed and forgotten about.

Perhaps I am simplifying things too much by saying it is cultural, but what strikes me is that the third wave of feminism that dominated Anglo-American academic discourse in the 1990's and early 2000's doesn't seem to have made it's way into some western countries' culture.

The third wave was all about being inclusive. Feminst scholars started to realise they were writing and speaking about the experience and perspective of the white, middle class, western woman. A black woman in the US may however identify more closely with black men who experience society in a certain way due to their colour, race or ethnicity, than she does with a white woman who shares her gender but nothing else. An Indian-born Hindi woman living in London might identify more closely with a Hindi man in than with an English-born Christian woman. A woman living in poverty in a developing country, or an indegenous woman in Australia may experience the world through her place in the economy more than through her gender identity. In order to rectify the fact that feminst scholarship was in fact guilty of the same hegemonic tunnel vision which it criticised in paternalistic or masculine-dominated world views, it started to deconstruct itself (part of the post-modernist buzz at the time) and aim to be more inclusive of diverse voices and experiences.

Ultimately, third wave feminism has many voices, there is no "one" feminism. A difference theory feminist will disagree on some substantive issues with an equality theory feminst, or a critical race theory feminist. In the end, post-modernism taught feminism that it is about the oppressive structures in society much more than it is about "men" oppressing "women". Gender is not at the cause, it is at the effect. And it may be only one (however important) effect. The same oppressive structures and belief systems oppress minorities of race, religion, ethnicity, create poverty divides and affect our environment. This inclusivity of different voices led to recognition of different experiences under these constructs and the need to consider different solutions. Inevitably, it led to recognising the need to include men's voices and experiences as well.

Therefore to make any real change, we need to include EVERYONE in how this change is to come about, and how we can all re-imagine our roles in socoiety. To me, this is the next wave, the fourth wave perhaps? The shifts that feminism has brought about has impacted both men and women. Giving women the space to participate in the economy and in policy making and in academia has meant men have had to reconsider their position in society as well. In fact if what we are seeking is equality, then there needs to be an equality in the discourse too.

What we are all seeking now is a re-balancing. We have torn down a language of oppression, we now need to shift away from any language of blame, and towards a language of responsibility. We need to take the focus from gender and place it on masculinity and femininity. A re-invention and rediscovery of what these things are can lead to a re-balancing in society, where men and women feel included in moving things forward.

Many would say the "battle of the sexes" is over, but some people are still fighting it. I would say it's more important to seek a balance between masculine and feminine within oneself, in order to understand the strengths and weaknesses, the divinity and the shadow, of each of these aspects of humanity. Once we can do that within ourselves, find that balance between masculinity and femininity, then we have something more worthwhile to contribute to the project of equality in the world.

It's a pity, in that respect, that I had to concede there was something in what my man had described about his experience of the blame-game in his home town when he pointed out a poster to me. It was advertising a network group for men - a support group, a group to just get together and talk about being men. I thought it was a fabulous idea, to be celebrated! But someone had stuck a sticker over it saying it was sexist advertising.

Sexist? Only if you think men getting together to talk about their masculinity is sexist. I would say quite the contrary - it's sexy! So damn sexy because it's a move toward the very re-balancing we all are seeking.

Dear Woman

A friend of mine sent me this video. He said he was so moved by it, but he also said opinion seems to divide in people's reactions based on whether they really get it, or really don't. It's called "Dear Woman..."

I invite you to take a few minutes to watch it. When I did it had me sobbing.

Not because I felt it was necessarily addressed to me, but because it is addressed to the feminine and to the suffering caused to the feminine by the unconscious masculine. And I found myself tuning into that suffering and feeling it - really feeling it rather than reading or hearing about it.

What struck me most is the authenticity with which each and every man in that video speaks. I am drawn to their hearts, all of them. I am inspired by their courage and honesty. I feel like entering a meaningful dialogue with each of them, preferably beginning by just looking into their eyes.

Part way through I did feel there was a collapsing of "sex" and "gender". It's easy to say men have waged wars and women have suffered, and that women don't wage wars. It may be historically true that women have not often waged the wars that are fought, but it is also historically true that not many women have been in positions of power, at least in the last millenium or two in most societies. When women are in positions of power, we have the same capacity to wage war and we have participated in wars as perpetrators as well as victims. (see my other blog post on the Valkyries of War)

It is also an easy leap to make that women have only been victims of the unconsious masculine as expressed through men's actions. But this reduces it back to a battle of the sexes, a blame culture. Collapsing "masculine" with the gender "male" and "feminine" with the gender "female" can lead to a false perpetrator/victim dichotomy and a demonisation or idealisation of what these aspects of humanity are.

But as I kept listening I realised this collapsing redeemed itself. The men spoke also of the suffering endured by men at the hands of mothers, sisters, partners, ex-partners. They also speak of the balancing of masculine and feminine within each of us. Coming together and worshipping the divine in both these energies through our bodies sexually, and through our approach to world economy, global justice, social equality, is what can create miracles, just as these men proclaim.

What really touched me, what I appreciated, was the words spoken in responsibility, apology, forgiveness and the will to move forward. This to me is the only way to affect change. This is the next wave (see my blog post on this).

But what is required is for both genders, men and women, to embrace both the masculine and feminine within? The harms these men refer to are not a matter of men perpetrating on women, but rather of the (unconscious) masculine in all of us perpetrating on the feminine in all of us. True, women as a gender have suffered physically and politically on a more outrageous scale and more often. But it does not end there. Women have colluded as well, men have suffered as well. We need first to find a balance within. From there we can create a balance in the world.

So my response to this inspired video would be:
"Dear Man,

I thank you for your will to reach out and communicate. I acknowledge the courage it takes to face what the unconscious masculine has affected on humanity, and to own it as a part of who you are. I honour the strength it took you to really see this, to feel its impact, and to move beyond shame to a place of responsibility.

I feel blessed by the way you worship the divine feminine in me. It invites me to move into it more deeply, to trust my own intuition, to develop my capacity to feel and express joy, sorrow, forgiveness, love. It invites me to open up to you more and explore what is possible between us.

I am grateful for how you acknowledge the horrors of the past. It allows me to feel the sorrow, pain and suffering as well, which is one of the roles of the feminine. To have these things expressed and acknowledged, rather than denying them, is to help them heal.

I also take responsibility for what the unconscious feminine has done to affect humanity. The quashing of divine masculinity, the shaming of boys and men, the judgmental restriction of women's sexuality, the fighting of dirty fights. These are a function of the unconscious feminine, and I take a stand for the healing of these things as much as for the suffering caused by the unconscious masculine.

The words you speak of embracing the masculine and feminine within all of us inspire me to own my own part in the unconscious masculine as a part of me. And these words inspire me to come into a profound relationship with the divine masculine in me, and to develop and worship the divine feminine in me.

For in embracing and worshipping the masculine and the feminine, in moving towards healing, moving towards equilibrium, there must be a balance sought within. Your words to me inspire me to have this conversation with myself as much as I will have this conversation with you. Those miracles you speak of will occur when we see we are both a part of each other.

Bless you for being in this dialogue with me. And welcome."

Masculine and feminine energy

A friend of mine has a body of work called the Balance of Power, and some of what he talks about is the natural feminine energy and the natural masculine energy. Something in me resists this dichotomy, as it sounds essentialist and teeters on gender stereotyping. But something profound occured to me as I pondered an image he had described to me - a revelation about balancing my own energies.

The image was of a warrior man, "standing at the gate" of the village to protect it from whatever or whomever wants to come in. A battler, a fighter, a man holding his sword and shield. And it is for this warrior to learn to "return to the village hut", to put down the sword and shield and come into the hut to scoop up his child and caress his wife gently. To bring the warrior energy into the home is to bring a potential of imbalance, and to threaten the expression of natural energies.

I cannot stand the thought of "natural feminine energy" being reduced to the homemaker, and the "natural masculine energy" being simplified as the warrior without there being the lover as well. But it occurred to me this is a resistance I have because I have often struggled with what it is to be feminine while still being strong/independent/career-oriented. Does being the one have to mean sacrificing the other? Does being feminine mean being less powerful in the work place, and does being a powerful woman mean being overbearing in the area of love?

I am not by nature a woman who is satisfied being the home-maker unless I can also express the fight that is in me and bring that energy to what I am committed to in international law. But it was always a bit of a struggle with my previous partner over what role we each played at home. He wanted to be the provider and I wanted him to be, but I didn't want to be dependent, nor to give up my ambitions in law. When we spoke about having children we had such different visions, and he felt I wanted him to be a house-husband and I felt he wanted me to be a house-wife and neither of us wanted that.

As I have embraced discovering my feminine side and exploring that with other women in many ways, I have enjoyed going in to the softer energy, but I find it confusing what to do with my more boisterous, aggressive energy. I don't want to supress that which is also a part of me just because it is deemed to be "un-feminine".

Then it dawned on me - the lesson the warrior has to learn in coming home is a lesson I could learn as well. I'm not standing at the gate as the masculine warrior, but I am out on the periphery, taking on some battles as an amazon warrior, the Wonder Woman, the Niké, the Kali, the Athena, the Bellona! A woman is warrior in a different way from a man, but a she-wolf has that energy in her too.

The lesson to learn is about bringing a different energy into the home at the end of the day. The warrior goddess, or the she-wolf, has her role to play out there in the world, and she has something else to tap into in the home. That is where the nurturing energy can come in, without it having to mean becoming a house-wife. It's about bringing balance again, and I actually find it inspiring to think I can really go into that energy in my home, knowing that whatever other energy I have, has it's place in the world as well. Nothing has to be supressed or compensated. In fact my gentler feminine energies have a place to flourish. And it takes practice to learn to put down the weapons and take off the armour at the door and bring the mother energy at a different level into the home.

And I guess if I can do that and thereby bring balance, then there is space for the man I share my life with to be in his masculine energy in the home, and be in balance as well. And this doesn't have to take anything away from my power or freedom to express different aspects of myself out in the world. In fact it means I can invite a man into my life with whom I can be vulnerable and whose masculine energy I can nurture. Revelation!!!

Equilibre

It's all about balance, as far as I can see.

Balance between family and career, balance between nurture and nature, balance of interests, balance of energy. Returning to balance when power has been acquired or given away. And balance in creating a new wave of feminism that is all-inclusive, for men and women, for different cultures and races, different backgrounds. Which means there can't be only one, but there must be many, and there must be some balance between them. The project of moving from third-wave to a fourth-wave requires a simple, calm, listening energy. One of balance.

She said to me "I don't want to think about boys all the time! It's disturbing my goddess energy." I said, I hear ya lady. And not because you shouldn't be thinking about love or sex or interaction with genders alike or different, but because your interests right now are all about discovering what's within and nurturing that.

And also because it requires trust that whomever you are meant to share your life with will come along at the right time. And he or she will be ready for you and you will be ready for him or her. And not before then will you truly connect. And in the mean time you have some preparation to do - some creation and discovery. Of yourself, of your spirit, of your work, of your place in this world as a woman of the 21st century.

When you trust in this you are freed from the activity of following your wandering thoughts into fantasy/worry/make-believe land where it's all about the boy (or the other girl). You have so much more space and energy to think about and create all those other things. There is peace and from that peace can arise creation.

Keep swinging, it's fine, you are not a pendulum, you are a goddess finding her feet on this earth and you will soon find the centre point and you will be balanced. And then we can give life.