And it goes further - if my sister goddess in training tells me a story or relates what is going on for her, I find I am often giving advice, or telling her how things are. She finds this frustrating, patronising, she feels analysed. She just wants to be.
And my husband partner of 5 years, from whom I am now unbound but with whom I will always be connected, continued to find it difficult that he felt I was telling him what to do, or telling him how things are, or explaining to him how things work - and he is 11 years my senior. Whenever I came from knowing better, he would be repelled.
So this morning, speaking to another sister of discovery, I started to dig at what that is, why I feel it necessary to be in control, to know, to be right, and incredibly uncomfortable with receiving contribution or advice from others. It's like I have this pretence that I AM in control, that I DO know better, and underneath I'm just scared that one day they will all find out I'm a fraud, I'm really not very intelligent at all, I'm just not very special, I'm mediocre, I'm nothing. And all the while this pretense has me be in a state of tension, in my head, analysing, unable to feel the depths of my own emotions or to truly empathise with others' emotions. And people around me feel controlled, patronised, unable to be themselves, unheard, disconnected.
It made me unhappy to register all of this - not like there's anything wrong, just that this is such a habitual way of being for me, and I am repelled by it myself. And it takes something big to shift it. These are my foundations shaking. Again.
So I created the possibility of being vulnerable and being trusting. Trusting that there is a bigger picture, a grander plan, it's in the hands of the goddess and she will always look after me, I will always be taken care of.
And vulnerable??? That's such an uncomfortable way of being. It brought me to tears and I was shaking gently on the inside. My sister in discovery suggested I just play with it, enquire into what it is. So I looked up "vulnerability" and this came up:
1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt
2. open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc.
3. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc.
Ugh. Ouch. Erch. Why would I want to be open and capable of being hurt or wounded, exposed to attack? That doesn't feel safe. That's why I built the armour of defence of always knowing (or at least pretending to) and being right.
Which is where the trusting comes in. Yes I am capable of being hurt or wounded - I am human, even as I look for the goddess within. And yes it is painful. But without that openness, the beauty of love can't flow in either. And pain itself is not all bad, it's what we learn from. Pure, unadulterated pain which washes through the wounds of time, that is enriching because it means being alive. Shutting off from that means being mute, dead, unattached from the life force.
When my husband and I parted ways last year, we were both being truly vulnerable. We both dared to speak out our heart's desires, our fears, what we needed and wanted, where we saw our paths going. And it hurt like hell. But it was all done with absolute respect and the greatest, most generous and loving listening. Unconditional love. It hurt like a pure, enriching pain and I felt I could look up into the stars and feel their presence in my body, because I was connected to the entire universe as I was being given the privelge of learning about unconditional love. It is within me now, it is a part of who I am, and it not to be taken for granted, it is something to keep practicing.
And along the way I may not get what I want from a paritcular person or situation, and that may hurt again, but being open to it, not resisting it, being vulnerable and trusting, that is what will speed me along my path. Unstuck. Pure. Raw and feeling.
Of course it is uncomfortable. It is more of tolerating discomfort for growth. Better that than living a life half dead, detached, alone, frustrated, patronising and controlling others and not moving forward.
So I trust you, universe, to take care of me and to always give me exactly what it is I need, no matter how it looks or feels, and I promise to do my utmost to be open to it all, all of it, vulnerable and capable of being hurt. And capable of being loved and loving unconditionally. And capable of accepting miracles.
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