What It Takes

I spoke to an elder today who said the following to me:

"It takes great courage to become a goddess. It takes a willingness to delve. You have to be willing to take on the storm of conflict. It takes an ability to fight to the death, fight with all your anger. And it takes the ability to love with all your passion. It takes a lot of growing up. It's a long and challenging journey that asks for every bit of you."

It occured to me that I can speak of being a goddess, and I think it's a matter of coming to my true nature, but really the journey is only just beginning.

I'm inspired by James Hollis' book "The Middle Passage" about moving into the second adulthood. Our first adulthood is the move from adolescence to independence and fulfilling certain roles - parenthood, career, what kind of friend, partner, leader, follower we are, how we are as "adult" children to our parents. But this is a learned self. Somewhere along the line the true, inner self begins to rise up and often clashes with the learned self. Many people experience this as a crisis, and they do all sorts of crazy things or go into depression, because their whole identity is being challenged.

But if you embrace this time as an opportunity for self knowledge and growth, then it is a passage into the second adulthood. A time for the inner self to come to the surface, and to re-identify: who am I beyond the roles I have played in life thus far?

Hollis writes that the effects of this shift are felt in the 30's and the ripples of it can be felt back into the late 20's. At 28, my Saturn Return, I felt some ripples. I was becoming aware of how little I actually understand of my true nature, of how much I rely on male affirmation for my sense of self worth, of how my boundless, creative energy can be channeled into things so much more powerful and positive and intimate than I had seen before. The value of my friends grew, my ability to speak my heart increased.

On my 28th birthday I sat with two wonderful women and we were all crying out a pain we didn't understand. We held each other and decided to make a ceremony. I removed several of my piercings and cut off the one dreadlock I had kept growing since I was 21. I started by ripping it out, thinking change is painful. And then my two witch friends Irina and Bexi suggested that change needn't be painful and dramatic, it can be peaceful and complete. So I took some scissors and cut it off. Snip. Cut off a tie with a past self just like that. And was astounded how easy it was.

And then we took the dread and some pieces of paper on which we had written down things we wanted to let go of, and we burned them. There were blue sparks and a horrible stench. And we stood laughing out loud. And a mirror cracked and people around us commented for days on things that had happened that night and how eery it was and we were convinced we had unleashed our witching power and vowed to learn more about it so we were owners of it and could be responsible for it. But I think we only dipped our toes in and were a bit afraid to delve deeper.

Two years later I finally received my two Dutch law degrees in an important ceremony, got married in another important ceremony, and turned 30, which was somehow an age I had been yearning to become. Three rites of passage into new roles, new stages of adulthood, and they all happened within 2 weeks of each other. I remember being exhausted and looking at myself in the mirror with curiosity. Kind of like I did when I woke up on my 7th birthday and ran to mum's full length mirror to see if I looked older. I was so disappointed that nothing had changed - I was convinced I would see the difference, but I looked like just the same girl who had gone to bed the night before, aged 6. This time, aged 30, I could see something in my face in the mirror was different from 2 weeks previous. But it was coming from the inside. It was like seeing how young I actually am rather than looking to see if I was older.

And now, at 33, something else significant is happening. Last year I was given the privileged opportunity to experience the exquisite beauty of unconditional love through the process of letting go with my husband Alan, and our un-binding ceremony. Now the universe has decided it is time for me to take on every level of my conscious and unconscious self in every aspect of my life - career, identity, sexuality, love, romance, finances, communication, shadows, motherhood, womanhood, emotions, spirituality. I've been finding it overwhelming, but I was stopped in my tracks on my way home in the snow one night and told to breathe deeply, watch my cold breath in the air, and listen.

It's all going to be ok. You are able to take it all on, otherwise I wouldn't have sent it all your way. It's going to shake your foundations a bit, but you will grow and grow and grow ...

And then you will be ready for the man you are to be with and the child you are to mother and the contribution you are to be in international law.

But until you have undergone this transformation, you are not ready.

So I guess when the elder I spoke to used such powerful words about what it takes to be a goddess, I was inspired, humbled and felt opened up, challenged, invited, warned and reassured.

Bring it on, universe. Bring on the fire and brimstone and the earthquakes and the floods - but I am scared, too, so please keep reminding me of the fresh oases and the stunning beauty and the deep love and the exquisite light along the way. I am willing to go on this journey within and discover where the goddess sleeps and to waken her gently with everything I will have learned along the way. Show me how.