Sex Positive

WHat does one do on a Sunday night in Amsterdam? Why, attend feminist porn star Madison Young's "Sultry Soiree" of course, hosted by King Betty, a transgender/queer organisation whose tagline is "any gender is a drag".

Madison Young is perhaps best known for her bondage porn, much of which is considered mainstream. But she has also taken a platform within the porn industry to promote the sex positive movement, and to assert a feminist celebration of what it is to be submissive. Her website tells the story of a kinky girl next door who insists she is changing the world one orgasm at a time. She features in and makes films in which "you will find women and men having real orgasms and something that is a rarity in porn – connection. For me art and porn are closely intertwined and I like to see the two come together here on my web site and in my art work."


Given that various feminist ideologies started to split in the 1980's over such questions as whether all porn is offensive to women, all sex is rape, and the normative disagreements between "difference" versus "equality" politics, to assert one is a "feminist porn star" is to move beyond third wave post-modern feminism and into a new wave. A young goddess friend pulled a confused look when I told her Madison promotes female friendly porn. "But I am into porn anyway! What's not friendly about it?" I realised she was never exposed to the debate on porn and the commodification of women, and she is part of a generation in which pole dancing has become a sport and the use of sex to sell everything from cars to mobile phones has truly become the norm. There is something to this young goddess' dismissiveness of the "porn is exploitation" stance, but it requires women like Madison to keep pushing the boundaries and ensuring that there is some authenticity to what's being displayed about women's bodies and sex.

So what is Madison's stance all about? The Soiree began with an afternoon discussion in which Madison explained that porn for her is both educational and political. Rather than directors telling the performers what to do and how to do it, she starts from what fantasies the performers have and creates authentic erotic scenes from there. It's about what the women (in particular) want, rather than producing what the director thinks the male viewer wants. It is a celebration rather than a commodification of sex.

The evening session of the Soiree featured the world premier of Madison's new film "Femmetastic", in which femme lesbians - in the 1990's referred to as lipstick lesbians - created the scenes from their fantasies. The most intimate and erotic scene was of one woman alone in a laundromat who cheekily, sneakily sits on top of a washing machine and, looking to see if someone will come in, starts to play with herself as she is rocked and hummed by the vibrations of the machine. The orgasm she brings herself to is humble but beautiful. And the slightly see-through white singlet and skinny jeans she wears teases mean and women, gay, straight, bi-, trannie, alike.

After a short discussion on her film, during which I asked her whether sex is always political for her (to which she answered "yes, every time I f**k it's political!") we were treated to some impressive bondage performances involving women being tied with complex Japanese-style ropes and hung from the beams of the Amsterdam home we were in. The women who were tied enjoyed the attention but most of all the surrender and the trust of giving over to their master artists.

Finally Madision gave us a performance dedicated to Annie Sprinkle (prostitute and porn star turned sex educator and artist) and her wife Beth Stevens, who were celebrating their wedding anniversary with a 7-year performance series. Madison washed her naked body with grapes and grapejuice and offered purple bubble gum to audience members which she then stuck to her body, all the while exuding eroticism and creativity. The most subversive element to her perfomance, however, was the fact that she is 5 months pregnant, her swollen, fertile belly a part of her seductive movement and tantalising ease with being naked and spread open to viewers.

Sex positive? You bet. The fluidity of gender identity, gay and bi-sexuality, the beauty of the female form, the talk of poly-amory, the images of various women's sex toys and the notion that porn has moved beyond the need to be "female freindly" and is now "femmetastic".... The evening was aimed at women with some men invited to join, but the point was that anything goes when gender and sexuality boundaries are on the discussion table. It was the first time I've sat through a porn film in a room of about 50 people whose attention was as much on the art and political comment as on the hot orgasms we were viewing.

Changing the world one orgasm at a time...that's a pretty sex positive mission statement!

Hair!

I recently saw a fabulous comedy piece at the Amsterdam Fringe Festival called "The Freak and the Showgirl". Mat Fraser was a thalydamide baby and has deformed arms and hands, and Julie Atlaz Muz is a sexy burlesque dancer and together they have created one of the funniest, most politcally subversive pieces of comedy/burlesque you are bound to see in this lifetime.

Mat has spent a lot of time researching how handicapped people are depicted in pop culture, on tv, in film, in theatre. He has a lot to say on the matter from personal experience, and he also has some great pistaches from 20th century freak shows at the circus. Our endless fascination with what is "abnormal" makes the audience uncomfortable at first, but Mat's whole stage persona has everyone on his side within minutes and laughing at his whole "porn for handicapped people" satire.

Mat couples with the lovely Julie Atlas Muz, whose burlesque dances are subversive as hell - Little Red Riding Hood wearing a wolf mask, a prisoner chic who strips off completely naked, lights a ciagrette, tears up a €5 note, mimes fellatio and sodomy and then ends her piece with a political speech about how all these things are illegal in a lot of places and we need to stand up for our freedoms. Together they have a lot to say about how we objectify bodies either as freakish or as sex objects.

In the space of a bit more than an hour they are in various stages of undress, have audience members in hysterics and covered in beer, and have given much food for thought in a most entertaining way.

The thing that stuck with me most of all was almost incidental in terms of the "messages" they had. But it was anything but incidental in the show. When Julie was completely naked (breaking one of the ground rules of burlesque) it was apparent to the entire audience that she does not adhere to the social convention of shaving or waxing her pubic hair. She pointed this out and gave us all a good look at the full bush she sports. And she also pointed out that the fashion to shave or wax is a way of succumbing to the male fantasy of a young girl's hairless vagina. If we are to be women celebrating our sexuality fully, she contends, we should be letting it all grow.

And to prove her point, she introduced us to Mr Pussy, and we were treated to a film projection the size of the theatre wall of her vagina wearing sunglasses and with the hair braided into a moustache and beard, as she took "lip synching" to a new level. Her vagina lips sang to the theme song of the musical "Hair" and the visuals were tear-rolling hilarious as she went spotted, polka dotted, spangled, jangled, braided and confettied....long hair like Jesus wore it, Hallelujah I adore it!

I used not to shave anything - armpits, legs, pubic hair. It was a political statement as much as a fashion statement at the time. But I too eventually succumed to the pressures of what society and a few men told me was more sexually appealing. I watched this piece in full appreciation and pondered whether the choice to de-hair has truly been my own. I wonder if Julie Ataz Muse can bring "freak" and "showgirl" back into one shared vocabulary across the globe? I wish both her and Mat well on their mission in any case!

http://www.matfraser.co.uk/
http://www.julieatlasmuz.com/

Does having children make you happy?

After a discussion with my goddess-in-training sparring partner and housemate about the dream of being parents and the impact children would have on our lifestyles, she sent me a Newsweek article which declares it is a fallacy that having children will make us happier. It's not the first time I've come across this scientific conclusion - many studies have shown that parents tend to measure their happiness and life satisfaction lower than non-parents. But I do wonder about the premise of these studies.

I found an interesting take on it in this article on The Psychologist webpage, which asserts that it has more to do with our focus than our actual level of happiness. Parents tend to spend lots of time worrying about their children and this is what shows up when studies are done. When we think about a rosey future - be it a life-long relationship, being a parent, living in the Bahamas, getting the particular job we really want - we tend to focus on the positive aspects of that future possibility. Of course we don't focus on what's going to be difficult about it or how much work it's going to take. And when reality hits, we focus on the difficult things more than the positive.

It's like when I think about my current work. I have a dream job where I am surrounded by relaxed, supportive, friendly colleagues, with very little power struggle or hierarchical frustrations, where I am paid a decent salary to learn every day, do research and teach. Yet there are plenty of aspects of my work I find a challenge, or frustrating. Right now as I write this blog I am avoiding the preparation that the next subject I am to teach requires, because it is less inspiring than thinking about being a mother and everything that entails! But does that mean I am unhappy at my work? By no means! I can focus on the positive or the negative aspects and the net result will change depending on that. Meanwhile it is a part of a longer career path and overall I am very fulfilled, partly due to the very challenges and opportunitites to learn and grow.

Just as I imagine being a mother will have its ups and downs, and periods of a lot of hard work, yet it is part of something bigger. The biological and emotional call to be a mother has little to do with instant gratification or daily bliss and more to do with fulfilling something human, a call to another phase of adulthood, to a contribution to life and the world around me.

And that is not to say we should all sense and follow a biological or emotional call to be parents. Not everyone wants children. Also, I often have these kinds of conversations with women around me who feel that being a mother will mean sacrificing the full extent of their career. This of course depends on many factors including social infrastructure and flexibility in the workplace, as well as culture (see my post on why there are so few women in higher academic positions). But if it'a question of "what will make me happier - my career or being a mother?" I say the assumption is all wrong that we should be doing things based on a drive for some kind of intangible measure of happiness.

Surely being a parent is not about weighing up the hard work against the moments of reward. I would say the questions being asked in such studies are a bit skewed. Of course no-one enjoys the tasks associated with childcare. But can that be measured against the moments of insight into innocence? Or into how humans grow and develop from crawling, drooling dependent creatures to creative, independent, thinking beings? Or the moments of seeing life continue through you? Or the moments of pride, joy, self reflection, fulfilment? Or the moments as grandparents where it call gets repeated again?

Without the experience (yet) of being a parent perhaps I speak with a bit of a utopian perspective, but at least it's not one based on the disillusion that I will by definition be "happier" as a mother than if I don't have children. It's one inspired by a dream I had of sitting on the grass with my pregnant belly, watching my other young child play in the garden, my man sitting behind me with his legs either side of me and his big chest behind my back. Something essentially human and undeniably fulfilling was coarsing through me. That dream may or may not come true, but it is something that calls me just as much as my career aspirations do and my creative outlets do and the yearning I have to share my life with a partner who is my equal. Will I be happy or happier? I don't know. Will I be fulfilled at a deeper level? I believe so.

(PS - I'd be curious to see comments from anyone who is a parent!)

The New Wonder Woman?

I've posted in the past about Why I Love Wonder Woman and everything she stands for. Her back-story is one of female strength, wisdom and beauty, bestowed by the gods and representing everything that a female warrior is. Her creation is one of early feminism, and she stands for peace and justice. So it's probably about time they made a film about her, among the spate of comic book heroes being brought to life on the big screen.

It's a shame, then, that DC Comics have decided it's time to "update" this 70 year old icon. Modernisation is not a bad thing in and of itself, but if it entails changing everything familiar about this female role model, from her costume to the very roots of her existence, one has to question it. Why, oh why DC???

Their justification for changing her famous costume has been that critics questioned how WW could fight crime without her bits falling out. She's a comic book super hero, people! They always fight crime without their bits falling out! That's why Superman wears his underpants on the outside and Catwoman never has to zip herself in or out of her impossible latex getup.

It should be said, WW has been "updated" in the past. Originally her creator had her wearing a star-spangled skirt, until it was conceded this would be flying up and around her head most of the time she was in action, so they put her in shorts instead. These gradually became hotpants and then even a high-cut leotard over the decades, but at least they remained recogniseable as WW's getup.





Reducing WW's bust size may be a bit of a more realistic move, but removing the gold W from her breast??? Granted, this was only introduced in the 1980's, prior to which WW wore a golden eagle on her chest. She had, after all, been invented during the second world war as an American hero. DC decided to make er appeal more universal by having the Wonder Woman Foundation (an actual women's rights organisation) present her with a doubled W and asking her two wear it to represent women around the world.

So she has seen some changes over the years. The worst was in the 1960's when the story writers for some inexplicable reason decided to remove all her powers and her costume altogether, and name her The New Wonder Woman. She was a mod crime fighter in a fashionable 1960's minidress, but she was not a super hero. Thankfully DC returned to its senses in the 1970's and WW was given back her true identity.

Given that WW's readership has always been slightly smaller than that of her male counterparts, and given the trend of bringing our old fave comic book heros to the big screen, now is indeed the time to vamp up WW's image. There has been talk of a film for many years now, but beyond the basic 80's style animation film that was released straight to dvd in 2009, not much movement has been made. So it is understandable that at a moment of celebrating her 600th (unofficial) issue on paper, DC is looking to gain more attention for its protagonist female, and one suspects the push to film may follow.

But it was a mistake to mess with her backstory, depriving her of the upbringing on Paradise Island (Themniscyra) among the Amazon women, shifting her pacifist origins into an urban commando chic. And it was a big mistake to strip her of the familiar colours and garb we have come to know. Especailly as it has been reduced to bad 1990's bolero fashion and black skin-tight trousers. She has lost all originality.

She resembles the splinter character Donna Troy (right), who was developed from WW's adopted younger sister.


Her bullet-resisting bracelets have become tie-on gauntlets and her corset has an eerily Spiderman-like design. And perhaps the black choker was introduced because the new gauntlets have lost their subtle suggestion of S & M (which WW's original creator had as part of her sexuality and her strength). Unfortunately the overal result is a shopping mall teenager instead of a mature arse-kicking ambassador of justice.

DC, if you want to raise the profile of this all-important female hero, do so with some respect for her creation, her symbolism and her long-lasting appeal. If you reduce her to a fashion victim with a less impressive history driving her, the endless stalling of bringing her to film will continue. Everyone wants to put her on the big screen, no-one knows how because of the inconsistencies in her character. Keep it simple, keep it strong. And keep true to what is so insipiring about this feminist, pacifist heroine.

First female leader for Australia - enter the style police

This morning history was made in Australia as the first female Prime Minster was sworn in by the first female Governor General (the Queen's representative in Australia). Julia Gillard is now the country's leader and the significance of this event is not lost on many women.
(New Prime Minister Julia Gillard left, Governor General Quentin Bryce right)

The Labour party in Australia voted internally to oust Kevin Rudd, the Prime Minister who was lead Australia into environmental responsibility, and who finally apologised to the Aboriginal population for the way they have been treated as a people. Recently his popularity plummeted and Deputy PM Julia Gillard stepped up to challenge his leadership of the party and of the country. The party gave her full support and she took over the leadership in one night.

Although the support she received from the right faction in the otherwise slightly-left-of-centre Labour party was what made the difference in taking up the lead, Julia Gillard has the courage and unapologetic leadership skills to take this position the way she has. She has said to the media that she made the move because she saw a good government losing its way and she felt it was up to her to keep it on track.

A former lawyer, Gillard worked for an industrial relations law firm, first as a work experience junior, and later as partner. She moved to state politics in 1996, and federal politics in 1998. Australia is a truly sporting nation, and the fact that Gillard is a big fan of Australian Rules football club the Bulldogs raises her popularity amongst the most blokey of Aussie blokes as well.

So why is it that within HOURS of being sworn in as the country's first female PM, this highly qualified, highly educated, strong leader has news items appearing which speak of the colour of her hair (she's a natural redhead) and her style of dress??? With headlins like "Enter the Style Police" and "Julia Gillard needs a new stylist". Why is it that a woman in politics is judged so much more harshly on her appearance than her male counterparts?

A few years ago when Hillary Clinton addressed a graduating class at Yale, an audience of America's most brilliant young women, she remarked with weary irony: "The most important thing I have to say today is that hair matters ... pay attention to your hair. Because everyone else will."

My guess is it's simply because it makes for popular media. Women in politics have had make-overs and been photographed for glossy mags, which can be seen as a degradation of their professional position, but it can also be seen as a way of speaking to women through popular media and demonstrating the many faces of the female role models we have. While it can be frustrating just how much attention was focused on what dress Michelle Obama wore to Barak's inaugrual ball, it can also be seen as a way of drawing popular attention to this strong, influential, intelligent woman in a position of power.

While it's a shame that women have to measure up to the fashion industry's judgment rather than be judged on her capacities professionally, I did learn something from Naomi Wolf's "The Beauty Myth" when I read it as a 16 year old: the popular media culture can be damaging in terms of what we are shown as the "perfect" yet impossible ideal of beauty which we are supposed to compete with and live up to, but it is also a means of mass communication which connects women automatically. In fact it may be an opportunity to display female role models in many different lights.

I deplore the fact that style police enter the scene purely because the new PM is a woman, but I applaud the fact that Julia Gillard is seen as a role model in all forms of media. As long as it continues to be an empowering context, that is!

Viva La Burlesque!

I have had many discussions with feminist friends about the pro's and con's of burlesque. One friend doesn't see any difference between this vamped-up, slightly tongue-in-cheek version of strip tease and the pole dancing hype that has recently disguised itself as a form of fitness. To her, it's all about selling female sexuality and fulfilling the ideal of the "male gaze".

Another friend can't see any similarities between these two worlds. Stripping and pole dancing are cheap, false versions of sexuality to her, and burlesque is all about the celebration of the body in all its glorious forms, the women owning the stage and using narrative to express themselves positively.

I guess I'm somewhere in between. There is something beautiful about a pole dancer who really brings dance and skill to her art. (Check out Ali Robbins) The discipline and strength needed to make it look graceful is impressive. That said, there is plenty about the strip joint and the typical pole dancer that is abhorrent to any woman who claims her sexuality as her own, since it is a commodification of sex and sexuality at its cheapest and with one impossible physical ideal at its centre.

Burlesque, on the other hand, is all about the celebration of sexuality and the diversity of female bodies, and each and every performer has her own style, her own touch, her own wink. She determines what she wears, what she dances to, for how long she is on stage, what she takes off and how, and there is such a playful edge to it all. One of the most famous burlesque dancers in Amsterdam has enormous breasts, a big nose and large lips which she paints bright red and covers in glitter. And she is fabulous and sexy as she twirls her tassled nipple-covering pasties and waves her big feather fans or tap dances across the stage.

Burlesque originates in the 19th century cabaret and circus world, where dances were becoming raunchy and acts mixed music, dance and more than brief glimpses at the female form. At the turn of the 20th century, Isadora Duncan danced barefoot and used Grecian imagary as she stipped off thin veils of cloth, everything about her movement sensual and beautiful and artful, nothing reminiscent of can-can dancers.

And in the 1920's Josephine Baker danced topless as the roaring 20's let women's freedom on the dancefloor speak of a certain sexual freedom as well.

The Hollywood choreography, the large feather fans and the sneak-peek at the female form became the taste of the 1930's. In the 1950's the glam pin-up style burlesque was a trend unto itself, and while Betty Page took it to another level, there was always a wink, a slight innocence, as if the disappearing layers of clothing were almost accidental.

In the last decade or so burlesque has seen a revival in many cities around the (western) world, and classical burlesque performers range from Dita von Teese, who does large-scale performances in a giant chamapgne glass, to Pepperminsky who immitates the Sally Rand feather dances, to those who bring the circus element back in and make it all a bit of a laughing matter. And then there is the neo-burlesque, the boy-lesque, and the combination of various arts (ballet, modern dance, charicature costumes, club music and dance tracks, narrative burlesque, fire-breathing and fire juggling, swords, belly-dancing, gothic, fetish, you name it!).

The reason I love the scene is that it is diverse, celebratory, free and all about the performers celebrating their bodies as they are - reagrdless of age, colour, size, shape. And the audiences are often made up of at least 60-70% women, who more often than not dress up in corsets, fascinators, frilly knickers or skirts, over-the-top high heels and long gloves. It's the opportunity to get playful, permission to think of oneself as a sensuous goddess and enjoy one's body and that of others in a non-judgmental, playful atmosphere.

And though it has nothing to do with the male gaze, the funny thing is the men enjoy it at least as much as the women. There is nothing sexier than someone who finds themself sexy exactly as they are and wants to celebrate that!

(In Amsterdam check out http://www.madamerisquee.com/index.html)

Women in Power

Last month I attended a 4 day workshop in the north of England with women from all over the world, under the guidance of ALissa Starkweather and some other highly trained women. We were taken into a ritualised world of symbolic animalism, of shadow work, of reconnecting to our inner predators and in doing so, reclaiming our power.

The weekend is called Women in Power and I would recommend it to absolutely any woman interested in doing some deeper work on herself. (it's only held once a year in the UK and not yet anywhere else in Europe, but a few times a year in the US, so check it out!) Some women went to heal old wounds, to claim a power they hadn't yet dared to claim as their own, to find their voice. I went because I know I am a powerful woman, but I have never truly owned all of my power, particularly that of my predator energy!

Jung spoke about our shadow as being the disowned part of ourselves, which we either try to supress or project onto others, never taking responsibility for it and therefore rather than owning it, it owns us. For me, the shadow is an anger, a hatred, a buried aggression, a desire to destroy. I saw so much anger and aggression around me as I grew up that I swore I would never be the way my angry, bitter parents were towards each other. But in doing so I disowned that aggression and it comes out left, right and centre without my willing it to.

Through the work we did over this magical weekend, I got to really enact and own that shadow in a safe space, where the women around me trusted my shadow. I got to feel what it is to destroy, and to recognise that this shadow is jsut energy, like everything else, wanting to be expressed. I discovered it is life energy and it wants me to know I am life itself. And through this I came to the recognistion that I am both destroyer and life-giver, like the dark goddess Kali.

I had women who are mothers bless my womb, I got to ritualise the abortion I had over 10 years ago and finally let go of the dead energy I had secretly been carrying around. I got to see other women look their own shadows in the face and be with their darker sides like never before. And I discovered my purpose in this: to hear and take the suffering of others, swallow it, devour it, abort it and bury it. Destroy the suffering that life may be given anew.

We shed so many tears as we felt compassion for each other, we laughed out loud, we discovered fun things about women's sexuality and biology, we ate divine food together, we danced and sang together, it was a transformational weekend. We all left feeling powerful, beautiful creatures.

Not everyone is open to taking on this kind of thing, but it's such important self-actualisation, self-awareness, growth and individuation. I was turned on to it by a friend who has done similar work with the Mankind Project - I was so excited to learn men are doing this kind of work together! There is nothing sexier than a man who knows himself and who is unafraid to step into his masculinity. And now to step into the predator, destroyer part of myself, I trust and know myself on a deeper level than ever before, and I can step into my femininity, knowing it has many sides to it and I own all of them.

I always thought of myself as a powerful woman. I now know myself to be a woman in my power.

Why I love Wonder Woman

Anyone who knows me knows of my almost obsessive fascination with the pop culture icon Wonder Woman. She is less well known in a lot of European countries, but in the Anglo-American world she is on equal par with Catwoman, Supergirl, Superman and Batman. In fact she is a member of the Justice League and stands together with Batman and Superman as one of the lead characters.

But why this fascination? For the very fact that she is one of the few female heroes who actually offers something inspiring beyond skin-tight, revealing super outfits and impossible proportions. And for everything she stands for.

Wonder Woman was created by the psychologist William Moulton Marston in the 1940's. he had written a series of articles on the importance of (super) heroes as role models and the role of pop culture in this positive modelling. DC Comics approached him to create a character and he rightly pointed out they had NO female heroes. So he dreamed up Wonder Woman, an Amazon Princess whose job it was to teach humanity, then in the throes of World War II, about justice, peace and truth.

The back-story of this character is full of symbolism and heavily influenced by Greek mythology. On the island of Themniscyra, hidden in the Bermuda Triangle, a community of Amazon warrior women lives in a paradise of peace and immortality. Their task is to guard over Pandora's Box, and if any man's blood is shed on their island then the Box will release all manner of darkness into the world. (Read: Women as protectors, the mother energy, guarding the dark side of humanity.)

The Queen, Hyppolita, misses only one thing - a daughter. Living in a paradise of only women has it's downfalls, there is no male company to balance things out. Instead she prays to the gods and moulds a child out of the clay of the earth, and the gods bestow life upon this girl who is literally of the earth. (Read: Women as mothers, as creators, the earth as the ultimate life-giver, intutitive connection to the gods.)

They then bestow gifts of beauty, strength and wisdom upon her - so no weird chemical reactions or spider bites, but heavenly powers giving her a goddess-like status. When she comes of age she wins a contest to donne the crown of Wonder Woman and go off to "man's world" to teach the justice and peace oriented ways of the Amazons. (Read: Self sacrifice and leadership, seeking balance in conflict, offering feminine wisdom to the masculine fighting spirit.) She embodies what is often seen as an essentially feminine purpose - the healing of the world.

She carries a lasso of truth, which forces those whom she ensares to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Masterton is credited with having also invented the lie detector, so his fascination with truth-telling came through in his comic book character. Not only that, but his poly-amourous relationships and his study (and his practice!) of bondage and BDSM, and the dynamics of power and gender in this form of sexual expression, are reflected in WW's costume (the slave bracelets, the lasso) and the regularity with which she is tied up, bound, locked down and has to escape.

Despite the fact she was a product of the World War II years, she is shown breaking these bonds and chains with the regularity and deftness of a modern feminist (no-one is ever to blame, she simply busts out of the shackles and continues her message of equality and peace). She embodies the wisdom and strength of a mature elder, the independence of a woman who knows she doesn't need to play any certain role in life to be fulfilled, and yet the perfect complexity and emotional paradox that many women express - searching for what fulfills her heart she is unafraid to cry and show her vulnerable side in between fighting the Nazi axis or her more fantastic nemeses. She has the female warrior power as well as the softer, flowing feminity, a wholeness so many of us desire.

It's interesting then that she "lost" her powers when the "New Wonder Woman" series emerged in the 1960's. Suddenly she was just a sex symbol and she lost track of the very things which she stands for as a role model. A reflection of the shifts in political thought at the time.










Thankfully, with some strange twists in continuity, she was given her powers again in the 1970's (perhaps again due to shifts in sexual politics?), and the camp TV series with Lynda Carter gave her a new place in pop culture.

Whether the TV series was true to her deeper symbolic side remains highly questionable, but the fact that she was sky-rocketed to the forefront of the imagination of boys, girls, men and women alike says something about how right Masterton was all along that we need heroes and positive role models.

 And preferably something more than the latex-clad Catwoman who emodies the seductive, "dangerous" myth of women's sexuality, and something beyond the submissive, diminiutive role played by Supergirl.

 We need a complex, multi-faceted, mature woman, a Wonder Woman to inspire us. Her strengths and weaknesses, her beauty as well as her wisdom, her mothering nature as well as her her warrior energy, and her kick-arse sexuality, these are all the reasons I love Wonder Woman and proudly wear her symbol on my wrist!

Any woman with any inkling of these characteristics in herself is a Wonder Woman.

Entering the playing field

A friend of mine, Nico, whose 50th birthday was celebrated last week in the theme "Lust for Life", wrote the following in response to reading this blog. It's an honour to be able to share his thoughts here:

"I find myself struggling with new feeling inside myself. I guess it is spring and new feeling want to grow, blossom and bloom. Or maybe it is because I have entered the age of the big five-o. When I discussed it with friends the thought rose that it could be my male side developing further. Being a 50 year old man this thought was both promising and disturbing. There was a good point in it, but not the point to win the game

Then I realized myself that it is probably a next step in the path that started a few years ago. I discovered that my possibilities in life are Love, Power and Joy. Since then I have been growing into the person I am now. Love, power and joy are now firm foundations in my personal life and in my personal relationships with my kids and my friends. The thing that seems to be growing is the next step of bringing these possibilities into the world on a larger scale. So out of my personal world into the open world.

I realize myself that this may be another term for developing the male side. Personal environment and especially the care for children is normally considered the female side. And using power to change the world on a larger scale is seen as being the male side.
As I am entering this new playing field I realize myself that I need a new tool set to be successful. In my personal life it is the ability to handle feelings (understand, interact, show) which is the key to success. Out in the open world this is not the case. It is the ability to handle action that is needed: come into action, bring people into action, inspire, steer, energize, make/keep the motor running.

There is both a promising and a disturbing side to this insight. The promising side is that I will find ways to bring love, power and joy to the world, and that this will make the world a better place to be in. The disturbing side is that I have to leave my warm and safe personal world and step out in the open. I do not have to lose this warm and safe place completely, but at least partly as you cannot do everything.

As Spiderman said: “With great powers come great responsibilities”.

And then I realized. Maybe it is not the male/female thing. Maybe it is just growing (up?). Entering a new playing field, with new rules, and new types of relationships with others who share the same goals: making the world turn into the right direction. Let’s play!"

Eyjafjallajoekull

Gaia is speaking. Pictures of passengers stranded in airports are not what this is about. The frustrations of people not being able to move across and in or out of Europe with the convenience they are used to is not what this is about. Ash in the sky is not what this is about. Even the impressive images of fire and smoke spurting forth from the magical glacial mountains of Iceland is not what this is about.

People keep talking about 2012, and about Nostradamus' predictions that shortly before the "end of the world" there will be more and more natural disasters. I'm not sure that I believe it will be the destruction of us or the planet, but there is something rumbling deep in the belly of our mother.

I actually think it's quite simple. I too am guilty of wasting energy, burning and drinking the natural resources of our planet by leaving lights burning, using fuel inefficiently, flying across the Channel at my whim, buying those bananas that were flown in from Spain and throwing out the packaging which took energy to produce and takes energy to deal with as waste. Each and every one of us is.

And it's not like we don't know it.

It's quite simple. It's time we simplified everything, start getting more creative about our energy needs and energy use, start moving across the globe in lighter and simpler ways, start eating locally, start behaving like the intelligent creatures we actually are. As in, right now, right this minute.

It's time. Gaia is speaking. And she knows us well enough to know she can do it subtly, slowly to start with and that we may just listen. And she also knows us well enough that if we don't listen, she only has to light the spark she has already set off. And we'll all call it a disaster and feel sorry for ourselves. But she is letting us know right now we just have to listen and act.

Gaia is talking to us in no uncertain terms. That's what this is about. Are you listening?

Men's Day

Visiting Germany I learned of one of their cultural traditions which kind of makes the mind boggle as to its roots. On Ascension Day, one of the many Christian holidays that western European countries celerbate by taking the day off - again - the Germans do something a bit different. Every year Ascension Day is also known as Men's Day (Herrentag), and all the men get hold of little wooden pull-along trolleys, like the things kids put lego in, fill them with bottles of drink and cans of beer, and walk around getting drunk.

Fascinating.

The German who told me about it said they go for walks in the woods and then get drunk. I'm not sure what the significance is of going into the woods, but somehow that't the only bit that was suggestive of any tradition. Searching for something more meaningful, I imagined an old tradition of German peasants taking the religious day, the day Jesus's soul rose to heaven, and walking in the woods together in some clan-like brotherhood, reflecting upon their spiritual lives. Or perhaps even a pagan tradition, where the men walked together as warrior hunters, in the spring lit woods, where life is teeming, orienting themsleves for the summer, finding where the animals have been nesting, banding together as brothers, teaching young boys the ways of being a man, and connecting with the fertile spring energy in nature to bring home their mating energy to their women.

I liked the images that came to mind, but my German friend assured me it's just as excuse to start drinking at 10am and keep going all day.

He was telling me this while we were watching a young muscular man dressed in a pink tutu, pink fairy wings and a pink crown, being forced to sweep confetti and streamers and other messy things from the steps, while his friends continued to strew them about, making his task impossible. Every few minutes another swig was taken from a bottle of spirits (this was on the university grounds at 5pm) and another beer can was opened. Apparently on your 30th birthday if you are not married this is what you are subjected to. Another old tradition with unknown roots - surely in this day and age most of the 30 year olds aren't married?? Or is it kept alive because of the excuse it is to drink and make fun of friends?

I asked if there was a Women's Day as well. Apparently there is, but there's no drinking tradition that goes with it. My friend couldn't really tell me much about it - he knew more about International Women's Day on March 8th.

So what to make of it? There is actually an International Men's Day on Nov 19th to celebrate the accomplishments and contributions of men to their communities and familes, improve gender equality, mens and boys health. Awesome stuff if you ask me, but not many people know about it. Perhaps they should combine this with the pink tutu and the drinking and the walking in the woods and there might be some more enthusiasm for it.

Blaze

I took three 15 year old girls to see a dance performance called Blaze and they were completely blown away! It was street dance brought to a professional stage and it was very impressive. Young dancers from all over Europe and the USA, and a creative team with more credentials than you could poke with a body pop.

Director Anthony van Laast has choreographed and directed West End shows from Oliver to Mamma Mia and worked on films like Harry Potter, choreographers Ryan Chappell and Chris Baldock have worked with the likes of Janet Jackson, Kylie, Black Eyed Peas and done ads for Adidas and Nike, set designer Es Devlin designed the set for Lady Ga Ga's Monstor Ball tour and lighting designer Patricj Woodroff has done shows for the Rolling Stones andMichael Jackson. Add to that the video and projection genius of The Mega Super Awesome Visual Company (yes that is their real name) and you have a visual spectacle that beats any video clip or action film you've seen in the last 10 years.

Oh yes, and the dancers....wow. What I loved was the energy and vibrancy that was unashamedly street and young and kick-arse. And I loved that there was a gender neutral style to it all. Of course the guys and the girls had some different moves, some duets, some dance-offs, but across the board they were all equal players. The costumes were gender neutral street wear - baggy pants and tops, peak caps, sometimes tracksuits or black and white suits, but almost no difference between the male and female dancers.

And though were wa a beautiful duet that had a sexual tension, it was more about the discovery of movement and expression than anything contrived.

The audience was predominantly made up of teenagers who cheered and screamed at appropriate moments. Of course when the young male dancers stripped off to swap shirts and expose thier fit young bodies the theatre was filled with young screams of excitment from the girls. Interestingly when two female dancers did the same, with a wink, there was a far more self conscious and brief cry from the boys in the audience. They were happier to cheer for their male counterparts on stage.

And there was even an explicit commentary from the MC in one of the dances, which was a comic piece about food. It began with him saying " you don't need to be skinny to be a model these days. You're sexy if you like you're own body. You can eat what you like. Everyone who likes beef let me hear you scream! Anyone who likes chicken let me hear some noise!" He then begana dance about beef, chicken, broccoli, beans, cellery and had the adolescent crowd giggling and the more politically minded among us smiling quietly.

Really exciting to see street dance and top notch theatre producers collaborate on such a dynamic production and bring young people into the theatres. And really exciting that street culture is so conducive to breaking down gender stereotypes.

Upstreaming

On average, the number of women pursuing PhD's at any given university in the western world outstrips the number of men pursuing PhD's. This is on average, so some fields are more male dominated, some are more female dominated. It's interesting that in law, a traditionally conservative field which in the higher professional echelons is most definitely dominated by men of upper class backgrounds, the number of young women trying their academic mettle is dramatically higher than the number of young men.

But as we look up the ranks - junior lecturers, senior lecturers, assistant professors and professors - the number of women dwindles rapidly. In the Netherlands the national average of female professors is only 8%. In the UK it's around 18%, in Australia it's around 17%, in the US it's around 22%. The European average is 15%. And the European goal for 2010 (yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's THIS YEAR!) is 25%. Clearly we are lagging far behind this goal.

So what's to be done? There is always a debate around quotas: some women feel they don't want to be selected for a position just because they are a woman and a quotum needs to be filled, as that undermines their credentials for the position. Some women feel that if there are no quota, they stand a lesser chance of being considered for the position and it doesn't matter what their credentials are.

In a recent presentation at the university I work at it we were shown statistics that among the PhD researchers, women drop out at a much higher rate than their male counterparts (left before completing their PhD) and on average take longer to complete their thesis. It was pointed out that this could be a reason fewer women stream up to the higher ranks, but I am left wondering if this isn't a chicken and egg dilemma. If women know there are more difficulties for them to reach the higher positions, they are more likely to be demotivated and leave before they are done. If women have children, of course it takes them longer to complete their research, as the time taken out for maternity leave affects the duration of their research. And if this, or the fact they published fewer articles during the time they were caring for young babies or children, affects their "track record", then they are disadvantaged when it comes to being considered for senior academic positions.

One woman, Marieke van de Brink, recently wrote her thesis on this very topic, focusing on the process by which women are (or are not!) nominated for professorships. Some of her observations were that the committees who decide on these functions are overwhelmingly populated by men. Because we tend to look for familiar characteristics when we are interviewing people, it has been shown that men prefer to nominate men. The under-representation of women on these committees means that women remain underrepresented in the positions they are applying for. But it also appears that both women and men are harder on female candidates for a position than on male candidates. We test out other women and judge them harsher, expect more of them than their male counterparts.

The measures by which candidates are tested should also be questioned. If a publication requirement is purely quantitative, and a woman has chosen to have children and therefore sacrifice some of her publishing time, she is penalised. It should therefore be a qualitative test as well - in what kind of journals and books has this academic candidate published, have others cited their work, have they contributed to the academic debate or to scientific knowledge in a significant way?

And there are cultural expectations to contend with. In the Netherlands there is a very dominant view that women should carry the lions share of the work when it comes to child rearing, and that they really should give up work or go part time. I have often heard the comment that it's better that this society values the upbringing of children over career aspirations, and that a mother should be with her children rather than outsourcing to strangers, and that children who go to creche full time are neglected. I don't know about other ex-pats, but this sounds like a 1950's nuclear family values argument - I was brought up by my full-time working mother. My parents split up when I was six. I don't feel neglected or scarred or underdeveloped. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I would have been a genius or a more fulfilled indivudal if my mother had been at home with me for years. But whole societies seem to have done just fine with working mothers - in fact cultures which have encouraged women to partake in the workforce in post World War II years have higher measures of equality across the board (Sweden, Finland, Spain, yes even Ukraine!)

So we need to consider how to support those who want to swim further upstream, and look to solutions which go beyond "write more, and finish your PhD on time!" Perhaps there are some structures that can be put in place to support women to do just this, but perhaps some of the measures should be reconsidered because of their silent gender bias.

The dating game

My sister goddess in training, who is American, is familiar with the "dating game". I am convinced it's a cultural thing. I'm Australian and we don't really date. We meet up for drinks or go out to dinner, but we're pretty quick to decide if it's going somewhere or not, or if we just want a casual fling. There's not a lot of the giggly "what's it mean and should I call him or should I wait for him to text me and how flirtatious should I be???" I mean, we did some of that as teenagers, discovering what the game was about, but there doesn't seem to be the same extended etiquette and rules of the game as there seem to be among my American friends.

And the Dutch certianly don't date! They spend time together in groups and if you like someone enough you basically end up kissing and/or going to bed with them. And if a relationship develops it's usually with the proviso that they're just seeing each other, but even after half a year there's no way they would refer to each other as girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, whatever. It's just someone they're seeing. And who makes them giddy with happiness. But nothing serious.

And then if they move in together they will inevitably both keep their own apartments as a safety net, a back door option should things get too serious or not serious enough. It will be years before they give up their ticket to singledom.

And so when I was asked out for drinks by an American the other day I was flattered, and ensured he had my number, and hoped he would contact me, but when he did I found myself entering a new world. The dating game! I had to ask my American goddess in training how to go about this - we have only had sms contact and I have been cautious about sending texts which are too flirtatious. But I find myself wanting to send funny responses to his playful remarks. And should I rspond straight away or leave it a few hours or a day? And is he doing the same thing - deliberately waiting a day to respond? Or is he just busy at work?

And why am I even asking these questions? It seems so adolescent to me. I am entering a phase of life that is all about delving in to the shadow, discovering what lies beneath, waking the goddess who sleeps within, going to places which are emotionally and spiritually unfamilair territory in order to grow and fulfil who I am. It is a delicate and profound journey. Is this a time in which to play the dating game? Is it not a time to be focused on the inner woman and just reject sexual attention all together?

My sister goddess in training suggested this is another opportunity to give up knowing and get out of my head. I don't have to know that this person is NOT the one I will have something meaningful and special with. I don't have to know this is not the time. I don't have to know what it is to be in the presence of others who are attractive and attracted to me. I can explore, be vulnerable, discover some new territory. And maybe even just have some fun.

It feels so strange. I thought my journey of being vulnerable was only to be in sacred areas of my life. Going out for drinks and laughing and flirting and maybe even "making out", as she suggested, feels like it's superficial and not sacred and not a place to be vulnerable. But she also suggested it's like a playing field. What is it to be vulnerable in different contexts?

And then another thing comes up - what about mixing my professional world with my personal? Having had the revelation that I can be an Amazon warrior in the world of my career and the world of international law, and then take off my armour and lay down my sword as I enter my home space when I can be the nurturing, gentle women within, and be vulnerable and alllow myself to be taken care of, it seems dangerous to mix the two. This "date" (if that's what it is!!) is with a man I met through a professional contact, and is working on a project I would love to be involved in professionally. It's an important new networking arena and a potential to move my expertise into the practitioners world. Should I expose my personal self and my vulnerable self to a person who works in the world I want to be a warrior in?

I think my sister goddess in training is right. If nothing else this is a time to get out of my head, let go of analysing, let go of needing to know, come back to my intution and even there, let go of looking for answers. That's what being vulnerable is about too...being vulnerable towards myself and just embarking on the journey.

So should I text him or not...? ;-)

Sex and the City - One of the guys???

For those of us who are fans of Sex and the City, we are willing to admit it has an overtone of consumerism, a focus on fashion labels, a presentation that some feminist commentators will criticise as being misrepresentative of the notion of choice (how free are we really if we are still spending energy primarily on choosing which shoes go with which outfit) and reinforces stereotypes of body image and values which we should question.

But we fans will also tell you SATC is a commentary on so many issues which women in the 21st century face. We strive to have fulfilling careers, find meaning outside our fashion, find support in our circle of female friends and sisters, try to combine children and mothering instincts with our need for independence, and the juggling act of all of this with finding a partner who will support us in our career and still fulfil us as women. And it is a commentary on the kind of men we are looking for (for those of us who are het. There is an interesting heterosexism which is never addressed in this show, especially given the fact there are various gay male characters in SATC, fun-loving companions who share the women's view on the world, inclduing love and fashion, but no mention is made of the fact that actress Cynthia Nixon, who plays working mother Miranda, happens to be a lesbian).

There are so many issues dealt with in a way so many of us can relate to - single motherhood, unfulfilled wish for children and fertility issues, breast cancer, sexual identity, career choices, balancing between career and love, where we seek our sense of fulfilment and sense of self, what is success, what is age, what is beauty. And the formula of Carrie Bradshaw's question-asking columns works every time to get us nodding or looking in the mirror and wondering.

It's just a pity, then, that when I read a short interview with Sarah Jessica parker about the first SATC film (which even to die-hard fans was a "light" and therefore highly unsatisfying version of the real thing) she twisted this identification women have with the characters into a gender conversation that totally misses the point. She rightly commented that the fact that the characters talk so openly about work and sex and what they do and don't like or want is a move forward for female characters in popular media. She unfortunately said this meant we are finally "one of the guys".

Why can't this be about what we are all looking for? What it is to be a woman in the 21st century. Why does this have to be about being in a man's world, and qualifying sexual and career emancipation and the open discourse as "being one of the guys"? Sorry, Sarah Jessica, you lost me on that one.

Spring Equinox - Night of the Goddesses

On the last night of winter they gathered and sat around a table laden with food, candles, incense and love, and they drank Spring Nectar and drew and painted and talked.

And not jsut about anything. For they didn't know each other well before this evening. So they took turns to share where they had come from and where they were going. What they want from this next year of life, and what they want to give and to learn. It was clear that they all needed to connect more often with other women, to learn from each other, to nurture each other, to laugh together, to discover together.

They each wrote down what they were letting go of as another season, another phase of life was passing. And they stood outside in a circle and lit their words and watched the fire engulf and destroy those words. And they farewelled so many ungodly ways and felt the cool, fresh air as the ashes died out. It was time to create anew.

And the next morning, the first day of Spring, the sun shone as it had not dared to do for months. And with the Durga energy they cleaned the House of Goddesses and sat in the warm sunlight in the garden and breathed in the new season.

The new creation had begun.

Alice in Wonderland

I watched Tim Burton's 3D film tonight with three wonderful ladies and we all enjoyed the fantasy of it and the 3D effects.

The thing I found most exciting, though, was the girl discovering herself as a warroir woman in the central character. The Mad Hatter said in disappointment that she used to be much more...much. She had lost her muchness. Alice was afraid to be The Alice and kept denying she was the one. Eventually after encouragement and appeal, she took on the challenge of recovering her muchness, making her own path, and slaying the Jabberwocky, knowing when she stood there with sword in hand, she would be standing alone.

She was afraid to claim herself, to grow up, to face her inner demon. But once she realised all she had to do was remember her future, and declare who she is, it appeared inevitable. And she just had to believe the impossible was possible - simple, really, considering the other impossible things around her.

I loved that in the final climactic scenes she was dressed in armour, a tribute to Joan of Arc and other women warrirors who have gone before her. She didn't have to be another big-busted, hyper-sexualised cartoon-like heroine. She was a woman in armour facing her demon, and though she was scared and though it hurt, she fought to the death. And then returned to peace.

Thank you Tim Burton for providing us with a narrative that returns to the magic and inspiration of Lewis Carrol - to believe the impossible, to go with the madness and magic of life - and at the same time for providing us with an Alice who is a true heroine, turning within to find the answers when she is looking for who she is, reminding us to follow the path by carving out our own and following the road less travelled. And doing so as an independent yet vulnerable young woman, feminine and strong all at once.

Masculine and feminine energy

A friend of mine has a body of work called the Balance of Power, and some of what he talks about is the natural feminine energy and the natural masculine energy. Something in me resists this dichotomy, as it sounds essentialist and teeters on gender stereotyping. But something profound occured to me as I pondered an image he had described to me - a revelation about balancing my own energies.

The image was of a warrior man, "standing at the gate" of the village to protect it from whatever or whomever wants to come in. A battler, a fighter, a man holding his sword and shield. And it is for this warrior to learn to "return to the village hut", to put down the sword and shield and come into the hut to scoop up his child and caress his wife gently. To bring the warrior energy into the home is to bring a potential of imbalance, and to threaten the expression of natural energies.

I cannot stand the thought of "natural feminine energy" being reduced to the homemaker, and the "natural masculine energy" being simplified as the warrior without there being the lover as well. But it occurred to me this is a resistance I have because I have often struggled with what it is to be feminine while still being strong/independent/career-oriented. Does being the one have to mean sacrificing the other? Does being feminine mean being less powerful in the work place, and does being a powerful woman mean being overbearing in the area of love?

I am not by nature a woman who is satisfied being the home-maker unless I can also express the fight that is in me and bring that energy to what I am committed to in international law. But it was always a bit of a struggle with my previous partner over what role we each played at home. He wanted to be the provider and I wanted him to be, but I didn't want to be dependent, nor to give up my ambitions in law. When we spoke about having children we had such different visions, and he felt I wanted him to be a house-husband and I felt he wanted me to be a house-wife and neither of us wanted that.

As I have embraced discovering my feminine side and exploring that with other women in many ways, I have enjoyed going in to the softer energy, but I find it confusing what to do with my more boisterous, aggressive energy. I don't want to supress that which is also a part of me just because it is deemed to be "un-feminine".

Then it dawned on me - the lesson the warrior has to learn in coming home is a lesson I could learn as well. I'm not standing at the gate as the masculine warrior, but I am out on the periphery, taking on some battles as an amazon warrior, the Wonder Woman, the Niké, the Kali, the Athena, the Bellona! A woman is warrior in a different way from a man, but a she-wolf has that energy in her too.

The lesson to learn is about bringing a different energy into the home at the end of the day. The warrior goddess, or the she-wolf, has her role to play out there in the world, and she has something else to tap into in the home. That is where the nurturing energy can come in, without it having to mean becoming a house-wife. It's about bringing balance again, and I actually find it inspiring to think I can really go into that energy in my home, knowing that whatever other energy I have, has it's place in the world as well. Nothing has to be supressed or compensated. In fact my gentler feminine energies have a place to flourish. And it takes practice to learn to put down the weapons and take off the armour at the door and bring the mother energy at a different level into the home.

And I guess if I can do that and thereby bring balance, then there is space for the man I share my life with to be in his masculine energy in the home, and be in balance as well. And this doesn't have to take anything away from my power or freedom to express different aspects of myself out in the world. In fact it means I can invite a man into my life with whom I can be vulnerable and whose masculine energy I can nurture. Revelation!!!

How does a lobster grow?

An email I received from a friend after sharing with him how it occurs to me to be vulnerable...

How does a Lobster Grow?

When it is time for a lobster to grow, the lobster comes out of its hiding place and sits on the ocean floor.

There it slowly sheds its current shell; marine biologists agree that they think this is an uncomfortable process for the lobster.

Then without it’s shell it sits there, exposed and vulnerable, and then drinks lots of water and the water literally expands the lobster and it grows right there and then.

Over the course of a few minutes, the salt water hardens the mucus membrane and a new shell is formed.

The lobster is bigger and stronger and ready for the next phase of its life.

When it is time to grow you have to shed your defenses, be vulnerable and take on board love and contribution – this is how lobsters grow and how humans grow too.

Vulnerability

There are many things right now in my life which, if I am to shift them, require me to give up "knowing" what is possible and what is not possible. How the hell do I know what the future holds? How could I possibly know what is possible financially, or in terms of love, or whether I will have children?

And it goes further - if my sister goddess in training tells me a story or relates what is going on for her, I find I am often giving advice, or telling her how things are. She finds this frustrating, patronising, she feels analysed. She just wants to be.

And my husband partner of 5 years, from whom I am now unbound but with whom I will always be connected, continued to find it difficult that he felt I was telling him what to do, or telling him how things are, or explaining to him how things work - and he is 11 years my senior. Whenever I came from knowing better, he would be repelled.

So this morning, speaking to another sister of discovery, I started to dig at what that is, why I feel it necessary to be in control, to know, to be right, and incredibly uncomfortable with receiving contribution or advice from others. It's like I have this pretence that I AM in control, that I DO know better, and underneath I'm just scared that one day they will all find out I'm a fraud, I'm really not very intelligent at all, I'm just not very special, I'm mediocre, I'm nothing. And all the while this pretense has me be in a state of tension, in my head, analysing, unable to feel the depths of my own emotions or to truly empathise with others' emotions. And people around me feel controlled, patronised, unable to be themselves, unheard, disconnected.

It made me unhappy to register all of this - not like there's anything wrong, just that this is such a habitual way of being for me, and I am repelled by it myself. And it takes something big to shift it. These are my foundations shaking. Again.

So I created the possibility of being vulnerable and being trusting. Trusting that there is a bigger picture, a grander plan, it's in the hands of the goddess and she will always look after me, I will always be taken care of.

And vulnerable??? That's such an uncomfortable way of being. It brought me to tears and I was shaking gently on the inside. My sister in discovery suggested I just play with it, enquire into what it is. So I looked up "vulnerability" and this came up:

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt

2. open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc.

3. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc.

4. (Military) Military liable or exposed to attack

Ugh. Ouch. Erch. Why would I want to be open and capable of being hurt or wounded, exposed to attack? That doesn't feel safe. That's why I built the armour of defence of always knowing (or at least pretending to) and being right.

Which is where the trusting comes in. Yes I am capable of being hurt or wounded - I am human, even as I look for the goddess within. And yes it is painful. But without that openness, the beauty of love can't flow in either. And pain itself is not all bad, it's what we learn from. Pure, unadulterated pain which washes through the wounds of time, that is enriching because it means being alive. Shutting off from that means being mute, dead, unattached from the life force.

When my husband and I parted ways last year, we were both being truly vulnerable. We both dared to speak out our heart's desires, our fears, what we needed and wanted, where we saw our paths going. And it hurt like hell. But it was all done with absolute respect and the greatest, most generous and loving listening. Unconditional love. It hurt like a pure, enriching pain and I felt I could look up into the stars and feel their presence in my body, because I was connected to the entire universe as I was being given the privelge of learning about unconditional love. It is within me now, it is a part of who I am, and it not to be taken for granted, it is something to keep practicing.

And along the way I may not get what I want from a paritcular person or situation, and that may hurt again, but being open to it, not resisting it, being vulnerable and trusting, that is what will speed me along my path. Unstuck. Pure. Raw and feeling.

Of course it is uncomfortable. It is more of tolerating discomfort for growth. Better that than living a life half dead, detached, alone, frustrated, patronising and controlling others and not moving forward.

So I trust you, universe, to take care of me and to always give me exactly what it is I need, no matter how it looks or feels, and I promise to do my utmost to be open to it all, all of it, vulnerable and capable of being hurt. And capable of being loved and loving unconditionally. And capable of accepting miracles.

Shadows

I used to see powerful women as a threat and I would immediately think all sorts of disempowering, judgmental thoughts about them. Anything to tear them down in my mind and preferably in the minds of others. Oh she's a bitch, she's full of herself, she's a control freak, she's ugly, she's dumb, she's trying to get attention, she's cold hearted. Anything.

It still comes up for me sometimes. But I have also made it a project of mine to create powerful women as my ally. I have been blessed to have wonderful women around me as friends who bring me back to earth, who have taught me about the history of gender in western society, who have asked me to consider the sexual and status competition we are taught to play whenever we look at pop culture media and questioned whether that is really my commitment. And I continue to learn to create a context in which to connect with powerful women, ask them to support me, offer my support to them, and see their strengths as a contribution to the world.

I try to remember as often as possible that the things I criticise in others are the things I find ugly in myself. So the first step is to acknowledge and own them. And another step is to look for the things I admire and value in others - for they, too are a reflection of things to recognise in myself.

And beyond it being about myself, it's about having those other powerful women feel empowered and fulfilling what they are here to do, and having men and women alike celebrate this in each other. I read this in James Hollis' "Why Good People Do Bad Things" (p 23):

We carry [a] huge polarity within us. Some of us flee the tension, others rise to embrace it...Progressively knowing these split-off, buried, projected parts of ourselves, and owning them as ours, deepens the journey and gives us work for a lifetime. As problematic as this Shadow work may seem, it is the only way to experience personal psyhcological healing, as well as the healing of relationships with others. The work we do brings us not to a more satisfied ego, but to the ego's larger move toward wholeness...The tikkun olam, or healing of the world, begins with oursleves, begins with what we do not wish to know about ourselves. Over time, this conscientious scrutiny ripples out from us to touch those around us. Owning our own Shadow furthers the reparation of the world.

Knowing and not knowing

I showed something to my sister goddess in training, proud of what I had seen and discovered and how I could articulate it...

and her response was "I think you can be more vulnerable. Try not to come from knowing."

I KNOW that's my greatest challenge, to come from un-knowing - ha ha.
The problem is I don't know what it is to come from un-knowing - ha ha.

What is it not to know, not to have to be in control, not to protect my ego with knowing nods of agreement and insightful responses? What is it to risk coming across as naive, or to really speak from my heart and risk being hurt? What is it to unleash all of that passion to someone else who can choose to receive it or not? What is it to yield, surrender, completely, discover from the soul instead of the mind?

And the irony is, I will never know, because that would be knowing again.

What It Takes

I spoke to an elder today who said the following to me:

"It takes great courage to become a goddess. It takes a willingness to delve. You have to be willing to take on the storm of conflict. It takes an ability to fight to the death, fight with all your anger. And it takes the ability to love with all your passion. It takes a lot of growing up. It's a long and challenging journey that asks for every bit of you."

It occured to me that I can speak of being a goddess, and I think it's a matter of coming to my true nature, but really the journey is only just beginning.

I'm inspired by James Hollis' book "The Middle Passage" about moving into the second adulthood. Our first adulthood is the move from adolescence to independence and fulfilling certain roles - parenthood, career, what kind of friend, partner, leader, follower we are, how we are as "adult" children to our parents. But this is a learned self. Somewhere along the line the true, inner self begins to rise up and often clashes with the learned self. Many people experience this as a crisis, and they do all sorts of crazy things or go into depression, because their whole identity is being challenged.

But if you embrace this time as an opportunity for self knowledge and growth, then it is a passage into the second adulthood. A time for the inner self to come to the surface, and to re-identify: who am I beyond the roles I have played in life thus far?

Hollis writes that the effects of this shift are felt in the 30's and the ripples of it can be felt back into the late 20's. At 28, my Saturn Return, I felt some ripples. I was becoming aware of how little I actually understand of my true nature, of how much I rely on male affirmation for my sense of self worth, of how my boundless, creative energy can be channeled into things so much more powerful and positive and intimate than I had seen before. The value of my friends grew, my ability to speak my heart increased.

On my 28th birthday I sat with two wonderful women and we were all crying out a pain we didn't understand. We held each other and decided to make a ceremony. I removed several of my piercings and cut off the one dreadlock I had kept growing since I was 21. I started by ripping it out, thinking change is painful. And then my two witch friends Irina and Bexi suggested that change needn't be painful and dramatic, it can be peaceful and complete. So I took some scissors and cut it off. Snip. Cut off a tie with a past self just like that. And was astounded how easy it was.

And then we took the dread and some pieces of paper on which we had written down things we wanted to let go of, and we burned them. There were blue sparks and a horrible stench. And we stood laughing out loud. And a mirror cracked and people around us commented for days on things that had happened that night and how eery it was and we were convinced we had unleashed our witching power and vowed to learn more about it so we were owners of it and could be responsible for it. But I think we only dipped our toes in and were a bit afraid to delve deeper.

Two years later I finally received my two Dutch law degrees in an important ceremony, got married in another important ceremony, and turned 30, which was somehow an age I had been yearning to become. Three rites of passage into new roles, new stages of adulthood, and they all happened within 2 weeks of each other. I remember being exhausted and looking at myself in the mirror with curiosity. Kind of like I did when I woke up on my 7th birthday and ran to mum's full length mirror to see if I looked older. I was so disappointed that nothing had changed - I was convinced I would see the difference, but I looked like just the same girl who had gone to bed the night before, aged 6. This time, aged 30, I could see something in my face in the mirror was different from 2 weeks previous. But it was coming from the inside. It was like seeing how young I actually am rather than looking to see if I was older.

And now, at 33, something else significant is happening. Last year I was given the privileged opportunity to experience the exquisite beauty of unconditional love through the process of letting go with my husband Alan, and our un-binding ceremony. Now the universe has decided it is time for me to take on every level of my conscious and unconscious self in every aspect of my life - career, identity, sexuality, love, romance, finances, communication, shadows, motherhood, womanhood, emotions, spirituality. I've been finding it overwhelming, but I was stopped in my tracks on my way home in the snow one night and told to breathe deeply, watch my cold breath in the air, and listen.

It's all going to be ok. You are able to take it all on, otherwise I wouldn't have sent it all your way. It's going to shake your foundations a bit, but you will grow and grow and grow ...

And then you will be ready for the man you are to be with and the child you are to mother and the contribution you are to be in international law.

But until you have undergone this transformation, you are not ready.

So I guess when the elder I spoke to used such powerful words about what it takes to be a goddess, I was inspired, humbled and felt opened up, challenged, invited, warned and reassured.

Bring it on, universe. Bring on the fire and brimstone and the earthquakes and the floods - but I am scared, too, so please keep reminding me of the fresh oases and the stunning beauty and the deep love and the exquisite light along the way. I am willing to go on this journey within and discover where the goddess sleeps and to waken her gently with everything I will have learned along the way. Show me how.