Upstreaming

On average, the number of women pursuing PhD's at any given university in the western world outstrips the number of men pursuing PhD's. This is on average, so some fields are more male dominated, some are more female dominated. It's interesting that in law, a traditionally conservative field which in the higher professional echelons is most definitely dominated by men of upper class backgrounds, the number of young women trying their academic mettle is dramatically higher than the number of young men.

But as we look up the ranks - junior lecturers, senior lecturers, assistant professors and professors - the number of women dwindles rapidly. In the Netherlands the national average of female professors is only 8%. In the UK it's around 18%, in Australia it's around 17%, in the US it's around 22%. The European average is 15%. And the European goal for 2010 (yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's THIS YEAR!) is 25%. Clearly we are lagging far behind this goal.

So what's to be done? There is always a debate around quotas: some women feel they don't want to be selected for a position just because they are a woman and a quotum needs to be filled, as that undermines their credentials for the position. Some women feel that if there are no quota, they stand a lesser chance of being considered for the position and it doesn't matter what their credentials are.

In a recent presentation at the university I work at it we were shown statistics that among the PhD researchers, women drop out at a much higher rate than their male counterparts (left before completing their PhD) and on average take longer to complete their thesis. It was pointed out that this could be a reason fewer women stream up to the higher ranks, but I am left wondering if this isn't a chicken and egg dilemma. If women know there are more difficulties for them to reach the higher positions, they are more likely to be demotivated and leave before they are done. If women have children, of course it takes them longer to complete their research, as the time taken out for maternity leave affects the duration of their research. And if this, or the fact they published fewer articles during the time they were caring for young babies or children, affects their "track record", then they are disadvantaged when it comes to being considered for senior academic positions.

One woman, Marieke van de Brink, recently wrote her thesis on this very topic, focusing on the process by which women are (or are not!) nominated for professorships. Some of her observations were that the committees who decide on these functions are overwhelmingly populated by men. Because we tend to look for familiar characteristics when we are interviewing people, it has been shown that men prefer to nominate men. The under-representation of women on these committees means that women remain underrepresented in the positions they are applying for. But it also appears that both women and men are harder on female candidates for a position than on male candidates. We test out other women and judge them harsher, expect more of them than their male counterparts.

The measures by which candidates are tested should also be questioned. If a publication requirement is purely quantitative, and a woman has chosen to have children and therefore sacrifice some of her publishing time, she is penalised. It should therefore be a qualitative test as well - in what kind of journals and books has this academic candidate published, have others cited their work, have they contributed to the academic debate or to scientific knowledge in a significant way?

And there are cultural expectations to contend with. In the Netherlands there is a very dominant view that women should carry the lions share of the work when it comes to child rearing, and that they really should give up work or go part time. I have often heard the comment that it's better that this society values the upbringing of children over career aspirations, and that a mother should be with her children rather than outsourcing to strangers, and that children who go to creche full time are neglected. I don't know about other ex-pats, but this sounds like a 1950's nuclear family values argument - I was brought up by my full-time working mother. My parents split up when I was six. I don't feel neglected or scarred or underdeveloped. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I would have been a genius or a more fulfilled indivudal if my mother had been at home with me for years. But whole societies seem to have done just fine with working mothers - in fact cultures which have encouraged women to partake in the workforce in post World War II years have higher measures of equality across the board (Sweden, Finland, Spain, yes even Ukraine!)

So we need to consider how to support those who want to swim further upstream, and look to solutions which go beyond "write more, and finish your PhD on time!" Perhaps there are some structures that can be put in place to support women to do just this, but perhaps some of the measures should be reconsidered because of their silent gender bias.

The dating game

My sister goddess in training, who is American, is familiar with the "dating game". I am convinced it's a cultural thing. I'm Australian and we don't really date. We meet up for drinks or go out to dinner, but we're pretty quick to decide if it's going somewhere or not, or if we just want a casual fling. There's not a lot of the giggly "what's it mean and should I call him or should I wait for him to text me and how flirtatious should I be???" I mean, we did some of that as teenagers, discovering what the game was about, but there doesn't seem to be the same extended etiquette and rules of the game as there seem to be among my American friends.

And the Dutch certianly don't date! They spend time together in groups and if you like someone enough you basically end up kissing and/or going to bed with them. And if a relationship develops it's usually with the proviso that they're just seeing each other, but even after half a year there's no way they would refer to each other as girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, whatever. It's just someone they're seeing. And who makes them giddy with happiness. But nothing serious.

And then if they move in together they will inevitably both keep their own apartments as a safety net, a back door option should things get too serious or not serious enough. It will be years before they give up their ticket to singledom.

And so when I was asked out for drinks by an American the other day I was flattered, and ensured he had my number, and hoped he would contact me, but when he did I found myself entering a new world. The dating game! I had to ask my American goddess in training how to go about this - we have only had sms contact and I have been cautious about sending texts which are too flirtatious. But I find myself wanting to send funny responses to his playful remarks. And should I rspond straight away or leave it a few hours or a day? And is he doing the same thing - deliberately waiting a day to respond? Or is he just busy at work?

And why am I even asking these questions? It seems so adolescent to me. I am entering a phase of life that is all about delving in to the shadow, discovering what lies beneath, waking the goddess who sleeps within, going to places which are emotionally and spiritually unfamilair territory in order to grow and fulfil who I am. It is a delicate and profound journey. Is this a time in which to play the dating game? Is it not a time to be focused on the inner woman and just reject sexual attention all together?

My sister goddess in training suggested this is another opportunity to give up knowing and get out of my head. I don't have to know that this person is NOT the one I will have something meaningful and special with. I don't have to know this is not the time. I don't have to know what it is to be in the presence of others who are attractive and attracted to me. I can explore, be vulnerable, discover some new territory. And maybe even just have some fun.

It feels so strange. I thought my journey of being vulnerable was only to be in sacred areas of my life. Going out for drinks and laughing and flirting and maybe even "making out", as she suggested, feels like it's superficial and not sacred and not a place to be vulnerable. But she also suggested it's like a playing field. What is it to be vulnerable in different contexts?

And then another thing comes up - what about mixing my professional world with my personal? Having had the revelation that I can be an Amazon warrior in the world of my career and the world of international law, and then take off my armour and lay down my sword as I enter my home space when I can be the nurturing, gentle women within, and be vulnerable and alllow myself to be taken care of, it seems dangerous to mix the two. This "date" (if that's what it is!!) is with a man I met through a professional contact, and is working on a project I would love to be involved in professionally. It's an important new networking arena and a potential to move my expertise into the practitioners world. Should I expose my personal self and my vulnerable self to a person who works in the world I want to be a warrior in?

I think my sister goddess in training is right. If nothing else this is a time to get out of my head, let go of analysing, let go of needing to know, come back to my intution and even there, let go of looking for answers. That's what being vulnerable is about too...being vulnerable towards myself and just embarking on the journey.

So should I text him or not...? ;-)

Sex and the City - One of the guys???

For those of us who are fans of Sex and the City, we are willing to admit it has an overtone of consumerism, a focus on fashion labels, a presentation that some feminist commentators will criticise as being misrepresentative of the notion of choice (how free are we really if we are still spending energy primarily on choosing which shoes go with which outfit) and reinforces stereotypes of body image and values which we should question.

But we fans will also tell you SATC is a commentary on so many issues which women in the 21st century face. We strive to have fulfilling careers, find meaning outside our fashion, find support in our circle of female friends and sisters, try to combine children and mothering instincts with our need for independence, and the juggling act of all of this with finding a partner who will support us in our career and still fulfil us as women. And it is a commentary on the kind of men we are looking for (for those of us who are het. There is an interesting heterosexism which is never addressed in this show, especially given the fact there are various gay male characters in SATC, fun-loving companions who share the women's view on the world, inclduing love and fashion, but no mention is made of the fact that actress Cynthia Nixon, who plays working mother Miranda, happens to be a lesbian).

There are so many issues dealt with in a way so many of us can relate to - single motherhood, unfulfilled wish for children and fertility issues, breast cancer, sexual identity, career choices, balancing between career and love, where we seek our sense of fulfilment and sense of self, what is success, what is age, what is beauty. And the formula of Carrie Bradshaw's question-asking columns works every time to get us nodding or looking in the mirror and wondering.

It's just a pity, then, that when I read a short interview with Sarah Jessica parker about the first SATC film (which even to die-hard fans was a "light" and therefore highly unsatisfying version of the real thing) she twisted this identification women have with the characters into a gender conversation that totally misses the point. She rightly commented that the fact that the characters talk so openly about work and sex and what they do and don't like or want is a move forward for female characters in popular media. She unfortunately said this meant we are finally "one of the guys".

Why can't this be about what we are all looking for? What it is to be a woman in the 21st century. Why does this have to be about being in a man's world, and qualifying sexual and career emancipation and the open discourse as "being one of the guys"? Sorry, Sarah Jessica, you lost me on that one.

Spring Equinox - Night of the Goddesses

On the last night of winter they gathered and sat around a table laden with food, candles, incense and love, and they drank Spring Nectar and drew and painted and talked.

And not jsut about anything. For they didn't know each other well before this evening. So they took turns to share where they had come from and where they were going. What they want from this next year of life, and what they want to give and to learn. It was clear that they all needed to connect more often with other women, to learn from each other, to nurture each other, to laugh together, to discover together.

They each wrote down what they were letting go of as another season, another phase of life was passing. And they stood outside in a circle and lit their words and watched the fire engulf and destroy those words. And they farewelled so many ungodly ways and felt the cool, fresh air as the ashes died out. It was time to create anew.

And the next morning, the first day of Spring, the sun shone as it had not dared to do for months. And with the Durga energy they cleaned the House of Goddesses and sat in the warm sunlight in the garden and breathed in the new season.

The new creation had begun.

Alice in Wonderland

I watched Tim Burton's 3D film tonight with three wonderful ladies and we all enjoyed the fantasy of it and the 3D effects.

The thing I found most exciting, though, was the girl discovering herself as a warroir woman in the central character. The Mad Hatter said in disappointment that she used to be much more...much. She had lost her muchness. Alice was afraid to be The Alice and kept denying she was the one. Eventually after encouragement and appeal, she took on the challenge of recovering her muchness, making her own path, and slaying the Jabberwocky, knowing when she stood there with sword in hand, she would be standing alone.

She was afraid to claim herself, to grow up, to face her inner demon. But once she realised all she had to do was remember her future, and declare who she is, it appeared inevitable. And she just had to believe the impossible was possible - simple, really, considering the other impossible things around her.

I loved that in the final climactic scenes she was dressed in armour, a tribute to Joan of Arc and other women warrirors who have gone before her. She didn't have to be another big-busted, hyper-sexualised cartoon-like heroine. She was a woman in armour facing her demon, and though she was scared and though it hurt, she fought to the death. And then returned to peace.

Thank you Tim Burton for providing us with a narrative that returns to the magic and inspiration of Lewis Carrol - to believe the impossible, to go with the madness and magic of life - and at the same time for providing us with an Alice who is a true heroine, turning within to find the answers when she is looking for who she is, reminding us to follow the path by carving out our own and following the road less travelled. And doing so as an independent yet vulnerable young woman, feminine and strong all at once.

Masculine and feminine energy

A friend of mine has a body of work called the Balance of Power, and some of what he talks about is the natural feminine energy and the natural masculine energy. Something in me resists this dichotomy, as it sounds essentialist and teeters on gender stereotyping. But something profound occured to me as I pondered an image he had described to me - a revelation about balancing my own energies.

The image was of a warrior man, "standing at the gate" of the village to protect it from whatever or whomever wants to come in. A battler, a fighter, a man holding his sword and shield. And it is for this warrior to learn to "return to the village hut", to put down the sword and shield and come into the hut to scoop up his child and caress his wife gently. To bring the warrior energy into the home is to bring a potential of imbalance, and to threaten the expression of natural energies.

I cannot stand the thought of "natural feminine energy" being reduced to the homemaker, and the "natural masculine energy" being simplified as the warrior without there being the lover as well. But it occurred to me this is a resistance I have because I have often struggled with what it is to be feminine while still being strong/independent/career-oriented. Does being the one have to mean sacrificing the other? Does being feminine mean being less powerful in the work place, and does being a powerful woman mean being overbearing in the area of love?

I am not by nature a woman who is satisfied being the home-maker unless I can also express the fight that is in me and bring that energy to what I am committed to in international law. But it was always a bit of a struggle with my previous partner over what role we each played at home. He wanted to be the provider and I wanted him to be, but I didn't want to be dependent, nor to give up my ambitions in law. When we spoke about having children we had such different visions, and he felt I wanted him to be a house-husband and I felt he wanted me to be a house-wife and neither of us wanted that.

As I have embraced discovering my feminine side and exploring that with other women in many ways, I have enjoyed going in to the softer energy, but I find it confusing what to do with my more boisterous, aggressive energy. I don't want to supress that which is also a part of me just because it is deemed to be "un-feminine".

Then it dawned on me - the lesson the warrior has to learn in coming home is a lesson I could learn as well. I'm not standing at the gate as the masculine warrior, but I am out on the periphery, taking on some battles as an amazon warrior, the Wonder Woman, the Niké, the Kali, the Athena, the Bellona! A woman is warrior in a different way from a man, but a she-wolf has that energy in her too.

The lesson to learn is about bringing a different energy into the home at the end of the day. The warrior goddess, or the she-wolf, has her role to play out there in the world, and she has something else to tap into in the home. That is where the nurturing energy can come in, without it having to mean becoming a house-wife. It's about bringing balance again, and I actually find it inspiring to think I can really go into that energy in my home, knowing that whatever other energy I have, has it's place in the world as well. Nothing has to be supressed or compensated. In fact my gentler feminine energies have a place to flourish. And it takes practice to learn to put down the weapons and take off the armour at the door and bring the mother energy at a different level into the home.

And I guess if I can do that and thereby bring balance, then there is space for the man I share my life with to be in his masculine energy in the home, and be in balance as well. And this doesn't have to take anything away from my power or freedom to express different aspects of myself out in the world. In fact it means I can invite a man into my life with whom I can be vulnerable and whose masculine energy I can nurture. Revelation!!!

How does a lobster grow?

An email I received from a friend after sharing with him how it occurs to me to be vulnerable...

How does a Lobster Grow?

When it is time for a lobster to grow, the lobster comes out of its hiding place and sits on the ocean floor.

There it slowly sheds its current shell; marine biologists agree that they think this is an uncomfortable process for the lobster.

Then without it’s shell it sits there, exposed and vulnerable, and then drinks lots of water and the water literally expands the lobster and it grows right there and then.

Over the course of a few minutes, the salt water hardens the mucus membrane and a new shell is formed.

The lobster is bigger and stronger and ready for the next phase of its life.

When it is time to grow you have to shed your defenses, be vulnerable and take on board love and contribution – this is how lobsters grow and how humans grow too.

Vulnerability

There are many things right now in my life which, if I am to shift them, require me to give up "knowing" what is possible and what is not possible. How the hell do I know what the future holds? How could I possibly know what is possible financially, or in terms of love, or whether I will have children?

And it goes further - if my sister goddess in training tells me a story or relates what is going on for her, I find I am often giving advice, or telling her how things are. She finds this frustrating, patronising, she feels analysed. She just wants to be.

And my husband partner of 5 years, from whom I am now unbound but with whom I will always be connected, continued to find it difficult that he felt I was telling him what to do, or telling him how things are, or explaining to him how things work - and he is 11 years my senior. Whenever I came from knowing better, he would be repelled.

So this morning, speaking to another sister of discovery, I started to dig at what that is, why I feel it necessary to be in control, to know, to be right, and incredibly uncomfortable with receiving contribution or advice from others. It's like I have this pretence that I AM in control, that I DO know better, and underneath I'm just scared that one day they will all find out I'm a fraud, I'm really not very intelligent at all, I'm just not very special, I'm mediocre, I'm nothing. And all the while this pretense has me be in a state of tension, in my head, analysing, unable to feel the depths of my own emotions or to truly empathise with others' emotions. And people around me feel controlled, patronised, unable to be themselves, unheard, disconnected.

It made me unhappy to register all of this - not like there's anything wrong, just that this is such a habitual way of being for me, and I am repelled by it myself. And it takes something big to shift it. These are my foundations shaking. Again.

So I created the possibility of being vulnerable and being trusting. Trusting that there is a bigger picture, a grander plan, it's in the hands of the goddess and she will always look after me, I will always be taken care of.

And vulnerable??? That's such an uncomfortable way of being. It brought me to tears and I was shaking gently on the inside. My sister in discovery suggested I just play with it, enquire into what it is. So I looked up "vulnerability" and this came up:

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt

2. open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc.

3. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc.

4. (Military) Military liable or exposed to attack

Ugh. Ouch. Erch. Why would I want to be open and capable of being hurt or wounded, exposed to attack? That doesn't feel safe. That's why I built the armour of defence of always knowing (or at least pretending to) and being right.

Which is where the trusting comes in. Yes I am capable of being hurt or wounded - I am human, even as I look for the goddess within. And yes it is painful. But without that openness, the beauty of love can't flow in either. And pain itself is not all bad, it's what we learn from. Pure, unadulterated pain which washes through the wounds of time, that is enriching because it means being alive. Shutting off from that means being mute, dead, unattached from the life force.

When my husband and I parted ways last year, we were both being truly vulnerable. We both dared to speak out our heart's desires, our fears, what we needed and wanted, where we saw our paths going. And it hurt like hell. But it was all done with absolute respect and the greatest, most generous and loving listening. Unconditional love. It hurt like a pure, enriching pain and I felt I could look up into the stars and feel their presence in my body, because I was connected to the entire universe as I was being given the privelge of learning about unconditional love. It is within me now, it is a part of who I am, and it not to be taken for granted, it is something to keep practicing.

And along the way I may not get what I want from a paritcular person or situation, and that may hurt again, but being open to it, not resisting it, being vulnerable and trusting, that is what will speed me along my path. Unstuck. Pure. Raw and feeling.

Of course it is uncomfortable. It is more of tolerating discomfort for growth. Better that than living a life half dead, detached, alone, frustrated, patronising and controlling others and not moving forward.

So I trust you, universe, to take care of me and to always give me exactly what it is I need, no matter how it looks or feels, and I promise to do my utmost to be open to it all, all of it, vulnerable and capable of being hurt. And capable of being loved and loving unconditionally. And capable of accepting miracles.

Shadows

I used to see powerful women as a threat and I would immediately think all sorts of disempowering, judgmental thoughts about them. Anything to tear them down in my mind and preferably in the minds of others. Oh she's a bitch, she's full of herself, she's a control freak, she's ugly, she's dumb, she's trying to get attention, she's cold hearted. Anything.

It still comes up for me sometimes. But I have also made it a project of mine to create powerful women as my ally. I have been blessed to have wonderful women around me as friends who bring me back to earth, who have taught me about the history of gender in western society, who have asked me to consider the sexual and status competition we are taught to play whenever we look at pop culture media and questioned whether that is really my commitment. And I continue to learn to create a context in which to connect with powerful women, ask them to support me, offer my support to them, and see their strengths as a contribution to the world.

I try to remember as often as possible that the things I criticise in others are the things I find ugly in myself. So the first step is to acknowledge and own them. And another step is to look for the things I admire and value in others - for they, too are a reflection of things to recognise in myself.

And beyond it being about myself, it's about having those other powerful women feel empowered and fulfilling what they are here to do, and having men and women alike celebrate this in each other. I read this in James Hollis' "Why Good People Do Bad Things" (p 23):

We carry [a] huge polarity within us. Some of us flee the tension, others rise to embrace it...Progressively knowing these split-off, buried, projected parts of ourselves, and owning them as ours, deepens the journey and gives us work for a lifetime. As problematic as this Shadow work may seem, it is the only way to experience personal psyhcological healing, as well as the healing of relationships with others. The work we do brings us not to a more satisfied ego, but to the ego's larger move toward wholeness...The tikkun olam, or healing of the world, begins with oursleves, begins with what we do not wish to know about ourselves. Over time, this conscientious scrutiny ripples out from us to touch those around us. Owning our own Shadow furthers the reparation of the world.

Knowing and not knowing

I showed something to my sister goddess in training, proud of what I had seen and discovered and how I could articulate it...

and her response was "I think you can be more vulnerable. Try not to come from knowing."

I KNOW that's my greatest challenge, to come from un-knowing - ha ha.
The problem is I don't know what it is to come from un-knowing - ha ha.

What is it not to know, not to have to be in control, not to protect my ego with knowing nods of agreement and insightful responses? What is it to risk coming across as naive, or to really speak from my heart and risk being hurt? What is it to unleash all of that passion to someone else who can choose to receive it or not? What is it to yield, surrender, completely, discover from the soul instead of the mind?

And the irony is, I will never know, because that would be knowing again.

What It Takes

I spoke to an elder today who said the following to me:

"It takes great courage to become a goddess. It takes a willingness to delve. You have to be willing to take on the storm of conflict. It takes an ability to fight to the death, fight with all your anger. And it takes the ability to love with all your passion. It takes a lot of growing up. It's a long and challenging journey that asks for every bit of you."

It occured to me that I can speak of being a goddess, and I think it's a matter of coming to my true nature, but really the journey is only just beginning.

I'm inspired by James Hollis' book "The Middle Passage" about moving into the second adulthood. Our first adulthood is the move from adolescence to independence and fulfilling certain roles - parenthood, career, what kind of friend, partner, leader, follower we are, how we are as "adult" children to our parents. But this is a learned self. Somewhere along the line the true, inner self begins to rise up and often clashes with the learned self. Many people experience this as a crisis, and they do all sorts of crazy things or go into depression, because their whole identity is being challenged.

But if you embrace this time as an opportunity for self knowledge and growth, then it is a passage into the second adulthood. A time for the inner self to come to the surface, and to re-identify: who am I beyond the roles I have played in life thus far?

Hollis writes that the effects of this shift are felt in the 30's and the ripples of it can be felt back into the late 20's. At 28, my Saturn Return, I felt some ripples. I was becoming aware of how little I actually understand of my true nature, of how much I rely on male affirmation for my sense of self worth, of how my boundless, creative energy can be channeled into things so much more powerful and positive and intimate than I had seen before. The value of my friends grew, my ability to speak my heart increased.

On my 28th birthday I sat with two wonderful women and we were all crying out a pain we didn't understand. We held each other and decided to make a ceremony. I removed several of my piercings and cut off the one dreadlock I had kept growing since I was 21. I started by ripping it out, thinking change is painful. And then my two witch friends Irina and Bexi suggested that change needn't be painful and dramatic, it can be peaceful and complete. So I took some scissors and cut it off. Snip. Cut off a tie with a past self just like that. And was astounded how easy it was.

And then we took the dread and some pieces of paper on which we had written down things we wanted to let go of, and we burned them. There were blue sparks and a horrible stench. And we stood laughing out loud. And a mirror cracked and people around us commented for days on things that had happened that night and how eery it was and we were convinced we had unleashed our witching power and vowed to learn more about it so we were owners of it and could be responsible for it. But I think we only dipped our toes in and were a bit afraid to delve deeper.

Two years later I finally received my two Dutch law degrees in an important ceremony, got married in another important ceremony, and turned 30, which was somehow an age I had been yearning to become. Three rites of passage into new roles, new stages of adulthood, and they all happened within 2 weeks of each other. I remember being exhausted and looking at myself in the mirror with curiosity. Kind of like I did when I woke up on my 7th birthday and ran to mum's full length mirror to see if I looked older. I was so disappointed that nothing had changed - I was convinced I would see the difference, but I looked like just the same girl who had gone to bed the night before, aged 6. This time, aged 30, I could see something in my face in the mirror was different from 2 weeks previous. But it was coming from the inside. It was like seeing how young I actually am rather than looking to see if I was older.

And now, at 33, something else significant is happening. Last year I was given the privileged opportunity to experience the exquisite beauty of unconditional love through the process of letting go with my husband Alan, and our un-binding ceremony. Now the universe has decided it is time for me to take on every level of my conscious and unconscious self in every aspect of my life - career, identity, sexuality, love, romance, finances, communication, shadows, motherhood, womanhood, emotions, spirituality. I've been finding it overwhelming, but I was stopped in my tracks on my way home in the snow one night and told to breathe deeply, watch my cold breath in the air, and listen.

It's all going to be ok. You are able to take it all on, otherwise I wouldn't have sent it all your way. It's going to shake your foundations a bit, but you will grow and grow and grow ...

And then you will be ready for the man you are to be with and the child you are to mother and the contribution you are to be in international law.

But until you have undergone this transformation, you are not ready.

So I guess when the elder I spoke to used such powerful words about what it takes to be a goddess, I was inspired, humbled and felt opened up, challenged, invited, warned and reassured.

Bring it on, universe. Bring on the fire and brimstone and the earthquakes and the floods - but I am scared, too, so please keep reminding me of the fresh oases and the stunning beauty and the deep love and the exquisite light along the way. I am willing to go on this journey within and discover where the goddess sleeps and to waken her gently with everything I will have learned along the way. Show me how.

She says to lean into the crack

I was woken by a voice
that moved so slow it took three thoughts to catch it
she was telling me to
slow...
everything...
right...
down...
So I stopped
paused
felt the frequency shift in my core
and gave up resisting.
It hurt still
in my heart and in my centre
and I still had tearful questions -
why?
and where does this path lead to?
Why do you tempt me
and then take it away?
What is it you want me to learn?
But she just let me sit with it
and kissed my tears with the sun
and reassured me
This is the path you are meant to be on
And you cannot see its conclusion
But I promise you
The fruits and flowers you will pluck along the way
are worth this discomfort
for they are its result.

Trust me
even as it hurts
For there is love, peace and justice
flowing your way
but you must be ready to receive it
and I am preparing you.
Just lean into the crack
feel it shiver
and open yourself to the pain.
Expose your fears
and as you pass through the disturbance
and feel it rip through you
you will experience the exquisite beauty
of uncondtional love
over and over again.

Nothing you give up
will stay long absent in your life.
If you give it up freely
it will return to you ten-fold
in a different form.
So trust me
breathe deep
keep dancing
and life will flow through you
as it is meant to.

You carry life
Learn now how to manifest it
hold it
grow it
and pass it on to others.

Equilibre

It's all about balance, as far as I can see.

Balance between family and career, balance between nurture and nature, balance of interests, balance of energy. Returning to balance when power has been acquired or given away. And balance in creating a new wave of feminism that is all-inclusive, for men and women, for different cultures and races, different backgrounds. Which means there can't be only one, but there must be many, and there must be some balance between them. The project of moving from third-wave to a fourth-wave requires a simple, calm, listening energy. One of balance.

She said to me "I don't want to think about boys all the time! It's disturbing my goddess energy." I said, I hear ya lady. And not because you shouldn't be thinking about love or sex or interaction with genders alike or different, but because your interests right now are all about discovering what's within and nurturing that.

And also because it requires trust that whomever you are meant to share your life with will come along at the right time. And he or she will be ready for you and you will be ready for him or her. And not before then will you truly connect. And in the mean time you have some preparation to do - some creation and discovery. Of yourself, of your spirit, of your work, of your place in this world as a woman of the 21st century.

When you trust in this you are freed from the activity of following your wandering thoughts into fantasy/worry/make-believe land where it's all about the boy (or the other girl). You have so much more space and energy to think about and create all those other things. There is peace and from that peace can arise creation.

Keep swinging, it's fine, you are not a pendulum, you are a goddess finding her feet on this earth and you will soon find the centre point and you will be balanced. And then we can give life.

Baptism of the goddesses

And so they took themselves on a long pilgrimmage to the sauna in Weesp. They travelled by foot, by metro, by train, by bus and finally they arrived in the fields where the sauna awaited them.

And there they scrubbed salt on each others' bodies, and let the old and the unwanted seep from their pores in the heat, and awoke the new as they plunged into the ice-cold waters and drank the cool nectar from the fountain.

And they curled up by the fire and talked about their dark sides, and then nourished their relaxed, empty bodies with prawns and olives.

And upon returning home they discovered it was time for a Durga Pooja, worshipping the mother energy. So they burned sage as they ate fish and renounced all the things in thier lives that no longer served them because they were ungodly. Like complaining, getting irritable and snapping, pushing agendas, having to know and be in control, putting toxins in their bodies, being uncomfortable with their bodies, having ingrown hairs.

And they sipped tea and ate chocolate and created what it was with which they were replacing all those things they had renounced. Like being the Durga mother energy, nourishing everyone around them to fulfil who they are, supporting and nurturing all the goddesses around them, interacting lovingly, being comfortable and loving in sex, being in the process of creation, trusting the bigger plan, being present, enjoying the process of discovery.

And with two weeks left of winter, one of them went within herself to be in the last of the winter energy, to stir the soil, warm the core and wrap herself in animal skins and be alone. And the other began to look for ways she could fulfil her new creation on a daily basis. And they knew that when the Equinox came they would be ready to sew new seeds, bang the drums and begin a new cycle altogether.

That year they decided to become goddesses

It's a new chapter and this is the opening sentence: "That year they decided to become goddesses."

And though it seemed strange to some, they were convinced it was the next thing to do. So they wove flowers into their hair, dressed up in long flowy dresses and reminded themselves of images of Greek mythology. And then they put on their high heels and glitter eye shadow and danced to electronic beats, drinking cocktails and laughing.

Some of the men joked saying of course they were goddesses, but in the background you could see these men found it a bit odd and weren't sure whether to celebrate it or be scared of it. And did it mean they were being left out? And one of them laughed when he was told there was to be a Night of the Goddesses and said the men should get together and drink beer.

And the new goddesses were sad that this man couldn't embrace their declaration and stand in his own glory and celebrate. And they wondered how they could encourage him to push out his chest and say he is a warrior king. But when they suggested this he laughed again and thought they were being flippant.

Unperturbed they went about and expanded the circle of women to gather and discover what it is to be a goddess. And although it started from within, it soon became clear that nothing was going to shift without including the men. So they agreed there would be sacred times and places for the women and the girls, but that the celebration and the learning had to be expanded beyond separation. First to discover and then to share and then to exchange, that was their plan.

So they ate a big breakfast, enjoyed clearing up and bringing peace back to their house that had been full of laughter at the party the night before, and they got on their bicycles and cycled into town to the market to collect nourishing food and enjoy the sunshine. And they knew the chapter had begun.